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Horoscopes for the weary commuter

By Jill Girgulis, January 26 2018 —



(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Your New Year’s resolution was to get in shape. Luckily, you live just across the street from the U of C bus loop, so you vow to walk to all your classes this semester. Too bad you’re a Mount Royal student.



(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Tired of being stuck in Crowchild traffic on you way home, you’ll deliberately skip your last class to avoid rush hour, only to get caught in a human traffic jam in front of the only Tim’s still open at the end of the day. It will still take you two hours to get home.



(March 21 – April 19)

Exhausted from your first all-nighter of the semester, you will fall asleep on the bus the next morning and wake up three hours later at the exact same stop. You’ll then realize that you’re on an off-service bus.



(April 20 – May 20)

It will take you three weeks to realize that your carpool friend is actually an Uber driver. You will end up needing to sell your organic chemistry textbook to pay off your $362 tab. At least the driver made good conversation.



(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll walk out of your res building one morning only to be stopped in your tracks by a menacing sheet of ice covering the steps. Paralyzed by your fear of slipping, you will spend the next 15 minutes waiting on the front step until your friend arrives to carry you onto the grass, where you slip on fresh dew.  



(June 21 – July 22)

The morning of your first in-class midterm, all the trains in Calgary will inexplicably stop running at the exact same time. It’s a sign from the universe that you should change your plan of becoming a biomedical engineer to a train engineer. Or maybe Calgary Transit really is that shitty.



(July 23 – Aug. 22)

After finally being convinced that global warming is real, you will exchange your Subaru for what you thought was a typical road bike you found on Kijiji. When you go to pick up your sweet new wheels, you will discover that it was actually a toy bike in the photo. You’ll never shop online again.



(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Visibly shook after your professor called on you in your 400-person BIOL 243 lecture, you will mistakenly board the 20 Heritage instead of Northmount, ending up at Rockyview Hospital instead of Foothills. You won’t notice the difference.



(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your car will spend the first two months of the semester in the shop after you put window- washer fluid where engine coolant is supposed to go. As a result, you will be forced to hitch a ride with your grandmother on her way to underwater jazzercise every morning.



(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Last year, you decided to move into res after you kept sleeping through your alarm and being late. This year, you’ll still sleep through your alarm — only now you show up to every class late and in your pyjamas.



(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will befriend your cab driver after your most recent night out at Cowboys. She will offer to be your unofficial chauffeur for the remainder of the semester — if you give her a constant supply of Starbucks every morning. You will decline — your cheap student ass can’t afford that shit.



(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll set up a tent and live in the basement of Science Theatres so you never have to worry about commuting ever again. Unfortunately, all your classes this semester are in Scurfield and Engineering.

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