2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Six bullshit jobs to apply for this summer

By Jill Girgulis, April 25 2018 —

Still looking for the perfect summer job but have no experience? We’ve compiled a list of super legit-sounding positions to bolster your resumé for the future. Trust us — these positions are definitely real. Really real. Apply today!

Interactive Functionality Representative:

Applicants must display verifiable evidence of their ability to behave as a functional adult for a minimum of 20 hours per week. Familiarity and comfort with engaging with other human beings is an asset. Applicants must provide at least three references to prove that they have interacted with at least three people in the last year. Applicants are advised against having interacted with more than six people. Don’t overdo it.

Lead Data Assistant:

This position requires a candidate that possesses technical proficiency, conscientiousness and attention to detail — but not enough attention to detail to notice that the titles ‘lead’ and ‘assistant’ definitely contradict each other.

National Solutions Developer:

In order to fill this federal vacancy, qualified candidates must be able to offer something new and exciting to what might possibly be the most uninspiring job ever. An ideal applicant has a long and storied history of incredible problem-solving skills in any situation, no matter how (in)effective or (ir)relavent those solutions were to the aforementioned position.

Principal Marketing Manager:

The primary responsibility for this employee will be to construct and nurture a kick-ass social media presence for our incredibly important, extremely necessary and not-at-all redundant paper-editing business. All new employees can expect to receive compensation in the form of bitcoin or any other cryptocurrency of their choosing.

Relational Response Orchestrator:

Interested applicants must have extensive experience working in groups and balancing the interests of several parties, given that their primary role will be to ensure their employer is viewed positively by the public from any interaction. Preference will be given to those who demonstrate aptitude for defusing even the most volatile of family gatherings, especially those involving in-laws visiting for the weekend.

Junior Optimization Supervisor:

This position is seeking the most extra candidate possible to bring a dash of extraness to our already extraordinary team. Candidates with an interest in taking it to the next level in all areas of their life will be given top consideration.

This article is part of our humour section.

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