Illustration by Tricia Lim

Will you fall for someone this week?

By Amal Asiff and Kristine Quong, January 28 2018 —


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Feeling inspired by Ariana Grande, you will flip through dates from Tinder this month by swiping right on every profile you see. Thank u, next!


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

After being invited to a family reunion, you’ll realize that you’re the only member who’s still single. Just remember, familial love is important too. Remember that as the family beef roars on.


(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll only get love on Feb. 15, when that sweet Ferrero Rocher goes on sale. No love can compare to how discounted chocolate tastes.


(April 20 – May 20)

Cupid has got his eyes on you and he’s about to strike. But then, at the last second, he’ll miss and you’ll find yourself running away from your little brother’s best friend. Fourteen-year-olds are terrifying.


(May 21 – June 20)

While you stroll through MacHall one afternoon, you’ll be asked out by a mysterious stranger. Do not say yes. It’ll make it weird when they’re your TA next semester.


(June 21 – July 22)

During class, you’ll get called on to answer a question by the professor in the middle of a particularly… steamy daydream and accidentally call him “daddy.” Well, time to withdraw.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

During reading week, you’ll meet a hottie on The Den dancefloor. Don’t even try to think about finishing those readings.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

This month you’ll find yourself crying over your ex. Put away those tissues and grab a sponge to soak up your tears. Your mother was right when she said you’re going to be alone forever. 


(Sept. 23 –Oct. 22)

You will finally find the courage to ask your crush for their number. They’ll actually give it to you! Wow! Sucks to be any other sign, I guess.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ll find yourself staring at your own reflection in your date’s eyes out of boredom for five minutes. This will put you in a state of hypnosis, and somehow, helps your grades.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Forget love, Netflix will always be there for you. At least, it will be until your credit card gets declined. Then you’ll know true loneliness.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will finally gain the courage to ask out that cutie in your lecture. After a brief conversation, they’ll realize that they’re supposed to be in an astronomy class — not this astrophysics class.

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