How will Mercury being in Gatorade affect your horoscope?

By Frankie Hart, March 8 2019 —

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A hearing aid. Be sure to listen to your friends and family. Communication is a two-way street, you know.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A hand grenade. Be on the lookout for explosives or projectiles. They can be dangerous.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A barricade. This week, break down everything standing between you and success. Or just have a breakdown.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A masquerade. Just what does it think it’s doing up there, in space?

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A car parkade. Make sure to use one of these if you intend on leaving your motor vehicle somewhere.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A marinade. Dunk yourself in a zesty combination of oils and spices and just hang out there for a bit. See what happens.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A shoulder blade. It allows you to… move your arms.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? Deadly nightshade. Hmm, what’s that, some sort of Harry Potter thing?

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A big charade. I swear, that thing has secrets.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A huge parade! It’s hurtling towards Earth, followed by all the other planets. What fun!

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? A fun arcade. Let’s hope it’s not ‘game over!’

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Mercury is in retrograde, but you know what else it is? Unafraid. It’s unafraid of confronting that there may not be anything waiting for us after death. It’s unafraid of what could be waiting for us after death. It wears a blank face while speeding towards its demise, unwavering. It is the absence of light, but also the absence of darkness. It is a world without possibility. It cannot be cruel, because it is nothing at all.