By Josie Simon, January 13 2020—
CancerJune 21 – July 22
In late April, you will be a guest on the Dr. Phil show. While filming the episode, you will look into Dr. Phil’s baby blue eyes and realize … Read the rest
By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, December 18 2020 —
SagittariusNovember 23 – December 21
Thinking ahead, you colour code and organize all of your notes by date and importance for your upcoming finals. By the time you’re done, there is only … Read the rest
By Sophie Janos, October 30 2020—
Scorpio:
You’ll spend the night on Tinder looking for a bone. Your desire to get some hallowiener, as always, will outweigh any fear of catching a contagious virus or two.
Sagittarius:
You will have … Read the rest
By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, September 23 2020 —
VirgoAugust 23 – September 22
You have three monitors set up: one for your Zoom lecture, one for your Minecraft game, one for your favourite show. Your focus will still be … Read the rest
By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, September 14 2020 —
Virgo
(August 22 – September 22)
You lost and got back all three of your jobs over the last few months with no vacation time. As school begins again you wonder if … Read the rest
By Frankie Hart, February 13 2020 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
In preparation for your date, you’ll practice your little surprise strip-tease dance only to accidentally slip and knock yourself unconscious.
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
In … Read the rest
By Gillian Darichuk, February 6 2020 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will feel nostalgic for the cartoons that sexually awakened you. Trying to find animated smut, you will stumble into a brony war, and you won’t be … Read the rest
By Frankie Hart, January 22 2020 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll be perturbed when checking Co–Star to see that its message is simply, “Where are you?” Oh god, you knew it. You’re living in a simulation.
Pisces… Read the rest
By Frankie Hart, December 6 2019 —
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
After failing to reach your 2019 goal of becoming TikTok famous, you will resolve to make more reasonable resolutions.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ll resolve … Read the rest
By Frankie Hart, November 28 2018 —
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
“Old Town Road” feat. Billy Ray Cyrus by Lil Nas X
Based on your final exam marks, you will either ride a horse or drink lean at … Read the rest
