By Sophie Janos, October 23 2019 —
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Dick or treat! Not only is it Scorpio season, but it’s also the time of Halloween spooks. Two months in with zero action whatsoever, you’ll try to make a move on the first person who mentions either of those things. Happy Halloweiner to you, I guess.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will get the hots for one of those people who continue to wear shorts and tank tops no matter how low the temperature drops. You won’t think they’re stupid because, to you, they’re braver than anyone daring to take six courses a semester.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Clowns. The stars say you are into that for some reason, so go wild and interpret as desired.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
The Dairy Queen employee who flips your Blizzard upside down will catch your eye. That power move will make your heart flip like the creamy treat and lead to many, many more trips to DQ in hopes to see the beautiful stranger do it again. Hubba hubba.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You won’t fall for someone, but rather you will fall on the stairs in MacHall. Don’t worry, only 15 people will see and just two will laugh before you manage to scramble to your feet and attempt to recover your dignity.
(March 21 – April 19)
The new Mario Kart app has awakened your inner child but also… something else. Captivated by his thick, luscious moustache and limited vocabulary, the pint-sized Italian will capture your heart like it’s a gold coin. Hey, you could do a lot worse in the Nintendo universe.
(April 20 – May 20)
Looking for a little excitement, you’ll fall for that one person who thinks it’s socially acceptable to play music straight out of their phone on the CTrain ride home. Even though their taste in music is trash, their obnoxious — I mean — bold antics will entice you for a solid two minutes before the second-hand embarrassment sets in.
(May 21 – June 20)
Desperate for human touch, you will fall head over heels for the U of C Bookstore cashier who accidentally touches your hand when giving you your receipt. You’ll go on to spend the night lying awake and listening to Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch” on repeat.
(June 21 – July 22)
You will fall into a deep depression when your Minecraft girlfriend unexpectedly ends your two-month affair. Feeling more tragic than Romeo and Juliet, you’ll burst into tears every time a real-life girl passes by, as you wonder if she’s the one who broke your heart.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
While on a silent floor of TFDL trying write the paper you forgot was due, the rustling of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos bag will steal your attention. You’ll turn to give the culprit a dirty look but — oh no, they’re hot! As you forget all about the paper, your GPA will drop faster than you’ll fall for that flamin’ hot stranger. Oof.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The unofficial leader of your group project will snatch your attention. The way they order you around and dominate discussions will really turn your crank. Although you’ll love their dictator-like style, they still can’t motivate you to do any of the work.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
A mysterious stranger who thinks wearing AirPods is a personality will pique your interest. Like their choice of headphones, your one-sided fling will have no wires, er, strings attached and it will be easily lost.