By Josie Simon, October 15 2024—
In a surprising turn of events that has left the University of Calgary community on edge, a group of laboratory mice injected with an experimental vaccine has escaped confinement and is now roaming freely on campus. University officials have issued an urgent warning to students and staff, urging them to exercise extreme caution, remain vigilant and avoid all contact with the mice.
The unusual incident began last week when a graduate student developed an innovative yet controversial experiment. Using a strand of hair allegedly belonging to former Prime Minister Stephen Harper, the student created a vaccine to tackle the widespread issue of slow walking on campus.
The student observed dramatic behavioural changes shortly after the mice were vaccinated. Initially selected for their docile nature, the mice began displaying unprecedented levels of aggression and even started producing vocal sounds described by some as 'speaking in tongues.'
The mice's unusual attraction to conservative propaganda is compounding the problem. Reports indicate that several mice are gathering in the Faculty of Arts computer lab to watch YouTube videos from right-wing news channels.
In an even stranger twist, the mice have attempted to perform ritualistic acts to summon Lucifer. Though their attempts to conjure Satan were unsuccessful, they managed to evoke the spirit of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher has declined all requests from the media for an interview, choosing instead to haunt silently.
University officials are now collaborating with Dr. John Dolittle and the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) to address this unexpected crisis.
Dr. Dolittle commented, “We need to focus on catching these mice and finding a solution to their strange obsession before it escalates further."
In light of these developments, campus security has issued specific advisories to avoid areas such as the Science Theaters, where the mice have been most frequently sighted. Students and staff are cautioned against contact, as the mice have shown physical hostility and are capable of engaging in unsettlingly condescending exchanges.
Campus community members are urged to report any mouse sightings or encounters to campus security immediately.
As details continue to emerge, the university is committed to providing timely updates on this unfolding incident. This unexpected turn of events is a stark reminder of the unpredictability of experimental research and the substantial responsibility accompanying it.
The administration's foremost priority remains the safety and well-being of all who reside and work within the U of C community. Your swift action in reporting any sightings is essential to ensuring a safe environment for everyone. Stay vigilant, stay informed and stay safe.
This article is part of our fake news humour section.
