By Josie Simon, January 27 2025—
Your coworker keeps stealing your lunch from the break room fridge. You:
- Replace your sandwich with one laced with mild laxatives while documenting their bathroom breaks
- Write passive-aggressive notes with smiley faces while plotting their downfall
- Eat everyone else's lunch in revenge and blame it on the rats
- Calculate the exact caloric value they've stolen and present them with an invoice
- Buy the entire restaurant chain that made the sandwich and fire them as a customer
During performance reviews, you:
- Present a detailed dossier of everyone who's wronged you this quarter
- Maintain your cheerful facade while your eye twitches uncontrollably
- Show up drunk with a PowerPoint full of memes
- Bring a 400-page statistical analysis of why you deserve a raise
- Remind everyone about that time you saved the company (and casually mention you could destroy it)
When someone uses Comic Sans in a presentation, you:
- Add them to your carefully curated enemies list
- Smile politely while changing their computer's default font to Wingdings
- Make all future presentations in crayons out of spite
- Give an hour-long lecture on font psychology and its correlation with criminal behaviour
- Buy Microsoft and eliminate Comic Sans forever
Your approach to office birthday celebrations is:
- Carefully noting who doesn't sing along for future reference
- Leading the song with dead eyes and a frozen smile
- Using the cake knife in concerning ways
- Calculating the productive hours lost to celebrations and presenting monthly reports
- Making everyone watch a biopic about your own birth
Results
Mostly ones: Stewie Griffin
Your plotting skills are matched only by your spreadsheet prowess. Every minor slight becomes an elaborate revenge scheme. Future CEO material, assuming the company survives your rise to power.
Mostly twos: Dark Hannah Montana
You've perfected hiding murderous thoughts behind a pop star smile. Your diary is half glitter, half evil schemes. Living the best of both worlds until judgment day.
Mostly threes: Chaotic Homer Simpson
Your problem-solving method is "breaking things until the problem gives up." The office safety manual is basically your autobiography at this point.
Mostly fours: Evil Sheldon Cooper
Your brilliant mind is a weapon of mass destruction. You don't just correct people—you destroy their will to speak. Your organizational skills are terrifying, and your lab notes read like villain origin stories.
Mostly fives: Megalomaniac Tony Stark
You solve minor inconveniences by buying entire companies. Your ego needs its own zip code, and your solutions always involve unnecessary acquisitions. At least the office coffee is premium since you bought Starbucks.
This article is part of our humour section.
