Alberta has announced an immediate ban on all Starbucks locations, with Premier Danielle Smith declaring the chain a "woke indoctrination center that forces honest Albertans to speak Italian."
"One moment you're ordering an iced coffee, and before you know it, you'll be dyeing your hair blue, reading the Communist Manifesto and protesting for humane treatment of prisoners," Smith declared during an emergency press conference.
"And why do I have to speak Italian to order a large coffee? This is Alberta, not Rome. It's all part of their trap to indoctrinate our children," Smith added.
The ban follows a government investigation revealing that pronouncing "Grande" correctly increases the likelihood of supporting carbon taxes by 87 per cent. The report also claims that customers who regularly order "Venti" size drinks are three times more likely to question pipeline expansion projects.
"These establishments are progressive ideology factories that force foreign words down our throats," stated newly appointed Minister of Anti-Wokeness and Language Purity Jason Anderson. "First, they make you say 'Venti' instead of 'large,' next thing you know, you're at a farmers' market buying organic kale and discussing gender theory with someone named Sage."
Smith has proposed replacing all Italian size names with "patriotic Albertan alternatives," including "Oil Barrel Size" (small), "Pipeline Length" (medium) and "Pickup Truck" (large). The bill also bans the words "barista," "espresso," and "cappuccino" as "suspiciously European."
Local Starbucks employees will be sent to "Conservative Coffee Re-education Centers," where they'll learn to make beverages without asking customers about their pronouns or suggesting oat milk alternatives. "We'll teach them to respond to all drink orders with 'You bet, bud' while maintaining aggressive eye contact," Anderson explained.
The province has launched a hotline for citizens to report suspicious coffee-related activities, such as people carrying reusable straws or correctly pronouncing "espresso." Rewards are offered for information leading to the discovery of underground oat and soy milk operations.
When questioned about the ban's economic impact, Smith stated, "If you want fancy Italian coffee words, move to Toronto. Here in Alberta, we speak English and don't ask questions about sustainable cup programs."
Meanwhile, reports of an underground "Barista Liberation Front" operating from unmarked basements across Calgary and Edmonton have emerged. Former baristas have been spotted exchanging paper bags filled with what authorities suspect are contraband milk alternatives and ethically sourced coffee beans.
The Gauntlet will provide updates as more information becomes available.
This article is part of our humour section.
