I recently visited the wizard who lives in the Science A Building and they told me all the world’s best-kept secrets, including what your favourite food vendor in Mac Hall says about you — yes, you! Below, I will disclose the wisdom they imparted to me.
A & W
You have an air of mystery about you. There is something about your smell that people find hypnotic yet disturbing.
Bake Chef Co.
You have a superiority complex that gets in your way of finding success in your chosen field. Try politics.
Canadian Pizza Unlimited (CPU)
People often accuse you of being basic — but you don’t mind. You know exactly what you do and don’t like.
Coffee Company
You are a classic overachiever who sacrifices happiness for productivity. I recommend laying off the caffeine and getting a good night’s sleep.
Dairy Queen-Orange Julius
You are an easy-going extrovert who loves rainbows and committing tax fraud. But behind your playful facade, you’re cold, calculating and manipulative.
Carl’s Jr.
Your obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album Midnights is getting out of hand. After streaming the album on repeat since its release, you’ve become severely dehydrated and your friends and family are becoming concerned.
Fresh Delights
You’re like a Koala, cute, yet dangerous. Next Friday, you will receive good news.
Freshco Poke
You desire power and control over others. Some people call you abrasive — and they’re correct.
Kobe Beef
Three weeks from today, you will enter a parallel universe where you marry Edward Cullen from Twilight. You and Edward will sell knock-off Disney stickers on Etsy for the next three decades.
Korean BBQ
You’re the it girl of U of C. Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but you’re also empathetic and loving.
Mr. Pretzels
You often isolate yourself from others because you’re afraid of rejection. Try letting people see the real you — you might be surprised how others will respond to your authenticity.
Noodle & Grill
You’ve recently experienced rejection, and it’s thrown you off your game. But don’t worry, a new opportunity will present itself soon.
Oriental Wok
You’re a social butterfly who always knows the right words to help someone having a bad day. However, sometimes people take advantage of your kind nature.
Tim Hortons
You often use manipulation and deception to gain the upper hand in your close relationships. People fear your intellect.
Umi Sushi
Empathy and compassion come naturally to you. You’re a natural-born leader who values close relationships.
Starbucks
You’re financially irresponsible and prone to self-loathing. You crave attention and fear abandonment.
This article is part of our humour section.
