Have you ever been told to “protect your peace”? Have you ever heard the phrase “If it doesn’t serve you, let it go”? Have you ever been advised to check in with your friends before you confide in them about something to ensure they have the “mental space” to hear what you have to say?
If so, then you have experienced firsthand the isolationist social standards that we seem to be moving towards.
Whether this be due to trends of therapy-speak on social media, our own personal therapy sessions or general social exhaustion, we must work away from it.
Somewhere along the way, we began treating our friendships as capital investments. I’ve seen this trend everywhere online, and I have witnessed it within my own social life. We are encouraged to cut people off when they can be deemed inconvenient and to prioritize ourselves and our comfort above all. Those sentiments can, of course, be valuable— especially when facing genuinely harmful relationship dynamics. However, I believe that they have become a little too convenient. We have taken the perfectly healthy idea that we should protect ourselves from harm, and we have extended it to what are the uncomfortable realities of being human.
Your friends should be your therapists.
Not in a clinical sense, obviously, but your friends should, in fact, exist as entities to vent to, confide in, be vulnerable with, and, sometimes, annoy with retelling the same breakup stories five hundred times. We should be able to cry to our friends without feeling like we are imposing on them, and we should, inarguably, be able to give that same grace in return. Life is supposed to be a little inconvenient, sometimes.
I believe that is the cost of solid, loving relationships.
There is a reason, believe it or not, that we say “it takes a village”. Humans are not designed to handle every hardship they face independently, and yet we often do treat high levels of emotional independence as an accomplishment. We want the benefits of community without the obligations and the comfort of friendship without the discomfort of supporting someone through a difficult time. Even so, all good things require work. Sometimes you have to answer the late-night phone call. Sometimes you have to let yourself be annoyed by the issues of others. Sometimes you have to let loose and let yourself be a little unbearable about your own issues!
All of this is not to say, of course, that you should bare your soul to every acquaintance you make. Additionally, it is not to say that you should ignore relationships that drain you, or hurt you or make you feel unsafe. I believe that we should be selective about the people we confide in. Do they know a version of you that you like? Do you feel seen by them? Do you feel loved by them? If the answer is yes, then they are worth confiding in. And subsequently, when somebody confides in you, you should take great pride in knowing you make them feel that way too.
This does not mean that you will always know what to say! Nor does it mean that you will always offer and receive “good” advice. Being a good friend does not require you to have the perfect response or offer a life-changing solution. Sometimes, people just need to word-vomit their thoughts until they can make sense of them. Sometimes, they need to complain about something you cannot fix, or to hear themselves speak out loud to realize what they actually want. Not every conversation needs to be a breakthrough. Even bad advice can help someone recognize what they do not want to do, for example, or force them to articulate why they disagree with you— you do not need to solve every problem outright. That's not the point of friendship.
So, what if a friend vents to you constantly? What if you feel that there is nothing left in your relationship besides their problems? What if you feel like they could only get further help from a mental health professional?
You are allowed to say so! In fact, I would argue that this adds to the value and significance of your friendship. You can love someone deeply and still recognize that you are not equipped to give them everything they need. This is certainly not failure in being there for them; oftentimes, it is exactly what they may need to see themselves or the reality of their situation.
The phrase “tough love” may be another cheesy one, but it is also a concept with value. These conversations can be difficult or awkward, sure. However, we get so caught up in trying not to do the wrong thing that we forget that we don’t necessarily know what the wrong thing is. We forget that doing nothing is often the least admirable thing to do.
Yes, perhaps the wise, immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw, “I don't need professional help, I’ve got you guys”, should not be taken at exact, literal face value. But it doesn’t hurt to use the words as a reminder every once in a while. It is okay to let somebody else’s problems interrupt your peace for a while. I truly do believe that we would all be better off for it.
