How to plan for a stress-free orgy

By Rik Weatherby, October 20, 2015 —

I went to see the Canadian comedy How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town when it was screened at this year’s Calgary International Film Festival. The movie opens with the typical dorky girl as she’s being humiliated at a house party. All she wants to do is lose her virginity to her boyfriend, but the popular girls bust into the bedroom and chase our heroine out.

She then runs around her town naked, moves to Toronto, becomes a hot-shot sex columnist and finds her way back to her hometown a decade later, where she winds up planning an orgy for all the prudish yokels she left behind.

The movie’s two hours taught me how I’d plan an orgy of my own.

First off, don’t treat it like a one-night stand. The ideal bacchanal attendee has to hit that sweet spot between close friend and total stranger. Even if the server at Jugo Juice or dude from your bus stop is super attractive, don’t invite them. It’s just as important not to invite your childhood homies. Would you feel comfortable reaching over their naked torso to grab a double dildo? If not, they shouldn’t be there.

Next, make sure to set the mood. Let the music tell your orgy story. Start out with something fun, not corny. Don’t sully your group-sex experience with bad music. Resist the urge to play Marvin Gaye, but don’t shy away from warming the room with a little Ginuwine. The first few tracks need to get everyone ready for fun, not intimidate them. Dance, laugh and get loose.

Once everyone’s ready to get started, don’t kill the mood by pulling out every few tracks to change the song. Set the playlist beforehand and make sure it reflects your orgy’s personality. Play some early Weeknd if you’re going to rail lines of blow off each other’s genitals. Throw on some Buckcherry if you’re hosting in the back of an F-350. Maybe take a poll beforehand.

If everything goes smoothly, wondrous things might happen. How to Plan an Orgy taught me that group love can lead to more than a tantric sexual romp. You might learn a thing or two about yourself. Someone may hit a spot you never knew you had. Maybe a little bi-curiosity will bubble to the surface. Or you might just start something more meaningful with one of your newfound sexual partners.

The most important takeaway is that you can’t force anything. It won’t be perfect. It’ll almost certainly be awkward. But, once everyone’s gotten over the awkwardness, a sense of ease will set in and comfortability will come — hopefully everyone else will too.

However, make sure you temper your expectations. Like your first time having sex, the first time you attend an orgy probably won’t go swimmingly. You might even find that group sex just isn’t your thing. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying. The worst thing that can happen is an awkward memory shared between a handful of open-minded friends.

Rik Weatherby is a fourth-year political science student. He writes a monthly column about sex called Like Groceries.