2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

So it all goes to shit

By Riley Hill and Chris Adams, March 5 2015 —

In shit we were wrought. To shit we shall return.

The Gauntlet elected a new editor-in-chief and news editor Wednesday night. And by elected, we mean we approved two unopposed candidates we fiercely disliked before they bribed us with loose cigarettes and toothbrush-shivs so we could slash our way out of this prison.

Kate Jacobson took EIC from her predecessor’s hands with a ruthless pragmatism rarely seen outside House of Cards. Current EIC Riley Hill softly wept while Jacobson gave him a wet willy.

Jacobson was rip-roaring drunk for her platform pitch, during which she mocked and taunted young volunteers in the crowd.

“You think you’re a writer, huh, smart guy? You’re nothing,” said a wobbling Jacobson as she stood three inches away from one of the Gauntlet’s regular contributors. “This is my house you’re playing in, fella. You like to play? Huh, playboy?”

She sat down and put her feet on the table mid-speech. She then lit a cigarette and shook her head in twisted, private laughter.

“What a day. What a fucking day,” Jacobson said.

She fell asleep with the cigarette burning in her mouth. Several Gauntlet volunteers picked her up and carried her to the couch as she cursed under her breath.

In the days following her speech, several of Jacobson’s co-workers reported seeing her strut around the office with her chin wagging in the air “like she owns the place.”

Jacobson said she was excited to put her studies on hold to take on a large amount of thankless work and legal responsibility for little pay.

Incoming news editor Fabian Mayer has been a fixture at the Gauntlet for years. But he’s been here so long he’s lost all respect for the noobs who populate this place. 

He walked into the office on election night wearing a silk smoking jacket and a shit-eating grin on his no-respect-having face. 

Mayer didn’t go to public school and he doesn’t know how to deal with regular folk. Everyone’s getting sick and tired of Mayer’s Skull-and-Bones deceptions.

“I once took a shot of 50-year-old scotch out of George H.W.’s naval. What have you plebs ever done?”

When Mayer’s victory was announced, he made several Wedding Crashers references. “Now that’s what I call a sack lunch. Nom-nom-nom-nom.” No one got it. 

After pounding a few back, Mayer said he wants to bring a load of “locker-room slap-assery” to the office. 

The only advice outgoing news editor Chris Adams gave him was to make sure he knows that a sleeve of Molson and a boot of Jack are your only friends in a world full of phonies. Adams understands that. Mayer’s prepared for that.

Hill and Adams don’t know what they’ll do without these jobs. At least they have girlfriends.

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