Quiz: What’s your Valentine’s Day destiny?
By Josie Simon, February 13 2025—
Choose your answers. Each one brings you closer to your inevitable fate.
1. You find a dead bird on your doorstep. You:
a) Name it and keep it as your Valentine’s date
b) Take artistic photos for your Discord dating profile
c) Wonder if your ex is practicing voodoo again
d) See it as a romantic sign from the universe
e) Taxidermy it while drinking boxed wine
2. Your therapist suggests a Valentine’s Day activity to help process your emotions. Which would you prefer?
a) Building a blanket fort and never coming out
b) Role-playing with your body pillow collection
c) Burning your ex’s stuff (again)
d) Speed dating at the local retirement community
e) Drunk dialing your childhood pets
3. Your ideal Valentine’s gift is:
a) A certificate confirming your eternal solitude
b) A custom VR girlfriend who won’t judge your browser history
c) Your ex’s new partner’s dental records
d) A lock of hair from a stranger who smiled at you
e) Another bottle of whatever makes the voices stop
4. During your Valentine’s dinner, you accidentally:
a) Set fire to your microwave while heating a TV dinner for one
b) Spill Mountain Dew on your limited edition Waifu mousepad
c) Text your ex’s entire family a detailed PowerPoint about your breakup
d) Slow dance alone at the table with an imaginary partner
e) Pass out face-first in your mom’s leftover beef stew
5. Your intrusive thoughts are telling you to:
a) Trade your city life for rural homesteading
b) Sell your kidney for a life-sized anime girlfriend robot
c) Create a shrine to your ex using their old hair elastics
d) Follow that cute cemetery groundskeeper home
e) Turn your parents’ basement into a DIY cryogenic preservation lab
6. You receive a mysterious package. Inside is:
a) A single mouldy potato with your name carved into it
b) A cursed USB drive claiming to contain “real love.exe.”
c) Your ex’s diary from 2015, you bought off the dark web
d) A collection of toenail clippings from your secret admirer
e) A karaoke machine that only plays I Write Sins Not Tragedies in minor key
Scoring Guide:
Mostly A’s: Utterly alone
The local mortuary is getting concerned about your frequent visits to “make friends.” The staff has noticed you bringing picnic baskets after hours and even the resident ghost has filed a harassment complaint.
Mostly B’s: On a virtual date with your Discord kitten
The CSIS has officially flagged your internet history. Two agents have already quit from psychological distress and your body pillow has been quarantined as a potential biohazard.
Mostly C’s: Celebrating with friends while convincing yourself that you don’t miss your ex
Your friends have started a betting pool on how many times you’ll mention your ex’s name tonight and your phone autocompletes every text with “I miss you.”
Mostly D’s: On a date and feeling as if you’re in a romance novel
Plot twist: it’s a Stephen King novel. Your date keeps finding mysterious locks of their hair in your pocket and the restaurant staff has an emergency code name for when you arrive.
Mostly E’s: Drunk and alone in your parents’ basement
Even the spiders have started a support group for you. The local liquor store has named a wine shelf after you and your parents have started telling people they’re childless.
This article is part of our humour section.