By Drew Thomas, March 7 2017 —
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will soon come into a plethora of free food from SU gimmicks. Also, your new SU rep will do absolutely nothing to affect your day-to-day life. … Read the rest
By Jill Girgulis, February 7 2017 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Cupid will pay you a visit on Feb. 14, take one look at your current state of existence, shake his head and say “ehh, better not.”… Read the rest
By Tina Shaygan, January 31 2017 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will pop your hip out trying a new sex position you read about in Cosmopolitan. Turns out, having sex upside down with chocolate sauce spread over … Read the rest
By Derek Baker, January 24 2017 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
After hitting snooze on your phone’s alarm for the seventh time in a row, Siri will make a snide comment, saying that you will amount to … Read the rest
By Frankie Hart, January 17 2017 —
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ll realize that all of your hopes and dreams are more easily attainable in the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app. Yes, everyone stopped playing it in 2014, … Read the rest
By Derek Baker, January 10 2017 —
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Deciding to eat healthier this year, you will find a way to incorporate kale into every meal. Unfortunately, kale is the most garbage-tasting edible leaf and … Read the rest
By Derek Baker, November 22 2016 —
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Upon receiving word that there is a family of Canadian geese on the path you use to walk to school, your commute will become 30 minutes longer … Read the rest
By Derek Baker, November 15 2016 —
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
After ironically hoping for a giant meteor to hit the earth instead of Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump winning the United States presidential election, the heavens will … Read the rest
By Preetha Gopalakrishnan, November 1 2016 —
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Your presence in places that you have never been to before — such as research symposia, community hall meetings and free dinners for student clubs — … Read the rest
By Derek Baker, October 25 2016 —
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You have a midterm on the night of the Halloween party you’re going to since your professor is a jerk. To the dismay of your professor, you … Read the rest