Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Forget astrology, what insight does your traffic sign have about your future?

By Preetha Gopalakrishnan, November 1 2016 —

 

hum_uturnScorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Your presence in places that you have never been to before — such as research symposia,  community hall meetings and free dinners for student clubs — will be noticed by many. However, no matter how hard you try to fit in and meet new people, you’ll frequently be overlooked. At least you’ll get free pizza.

hum_constructionSagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will caution your friends to reconsider the pace of their lives, telling them that their future isn’t set in stone — life is a bumpy road and you need to enjoy the ride. As usual, they won’t listen and years later you’ll have to listen to at least six different mid-life crises.

hum_laneendCapricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Like a road leading
nowhere, your dismissive nature will draw the anger of every new acquaintance you make. Unfortunately, they won’t stick around long enough for you to become friends. You will rationalize this ice-cold treatment by thinking that they’re probably the kind of jerks who don’t use their turn signals.

hum_speedlimitAquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

Your partner will get weirdly distant thanks to your assertion that you wanted to “take things slow.” After a night spent getting drunk, you will wake up and see that you accidentally texted them the entire lyrics of M.I.A’s “Bad Girls.” It was read at 2:32 a.m. There is still no
reply.

hum_schoolzonePisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

While writing an English term paper in a sleep-deprived state, you will vividly hallucinate scenes from Les Misérables and insert yourself into the storyline. You will conclude that maybe a life of misery in 19th century France is better than writing five more pages on obscure literary theory.

hum_pedcrossingAries 

(March 21 – April 19)

There is an 85 per cent chance that you will get hit by a car this week. Hopefully, the car isn’t going faster than 30 km/h, unless you like looking like the bugs smushed against a windshield.

hum_2hrparkingTaurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You feel like you have been too permissive lately and people have been taking advantage of you for that. Luckily, one of your friends will stand up for you, calling out every single act of bullshit presented to you. You’ll secretly be glad that she’s taken on the brunt of the resulting vitriol.

hum_freeflowGemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

The next person you meet through an online dating app will become fixated on that blurb in your description where you called yourself a “bit of a hippie.” They will say that they are the same and ask to meet you in person. You meant that you wear bandanas and stand up for social justice, while they meant that they haven’t showered in weeks and are high on hallucinogenic mushrooms 24/7.


hum_mergeCancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

After yet another group project is ruined by one antagonistic member, you will declare a coup d’état and install yourself as your group’s benevolent dictator. You
call the shots now. Your rule will be acceptant of all ideas and your group will subsequently create a “trifold-poster-essay-orama.” Your teaching assistant will admire the effort and creativity, but it will only earn you a C-.

hum_yieldLeo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will selflessly let someone ahead of you while
waiting in line at the grocery checkout express line. Immediately, 10 other customers will swarm past you, each with an overflowing shopping cart. This is the price you have to pay for trying to be nice.

hum_stopsignVirgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

After growing tired of always staying home every time your friends hit the club, you’ll agree to go this weekend. Unfortunately, you will get too drunk at the pregame and be turned away from the club by the bouncer before the night even begins.

hum_onewayLibra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will get into a fight with someone you love over what they claim is your “inability to see things from other perspectives,” which makes you “slightly unpleasant to be around.” Unfortunately for them, they’re wrong — and they’ll come to realize it eventually.

 


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