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What will you do when the New Year vibes fizzle into the staleness of mid-January?

By Frankie Hart, January 17 2017 —



(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll realize that all of your hopes and dreams are more easily attainable in the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app. Yes, everyone stopped playing it in 2014, but dreams are eternal. Plus, your avatar looks way hotter than you do in real life.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

After receiving terrible grades last semester, you will have to work twice as hard this semester to pick up your GPA. You will preemptively celebrate your hard work by spilling your sixth glass of wine all over your readings.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will realize that it’s too late to drop your class after your professor makes it apparent that your attempts at correcting her and sharing your knowledge with the class are “disruptive” and “something she was literally just about to get to.”


(March 21 – April 19)

Convinced that the last several months were an elaborate fever dream, you will be relieved to wake up from your coma and see Donald Trump dragged off stage during the Bernie vs. Jeb! presidential debate.


(April 20 – May 20)

In your attempts to work on your sweet gainz for 2017, you’ll consume an ungodly amount of protein shakes. Unfortunately, you’re unable to make time for actual workouts in your busy schedule. But that’s okay — everyone knows the first step in achieving sick gainz is bulking up.


(May 21 – June 20)

In desperate search of “good vibes” for 2017, you will dive into the horoscope subculture of YouTube. As you expand your horizons and achieve internal growth, you’ll learn that now is a “good tiem to sart a new career.” Zat is gonna be a good one.


(June 21 – July 22)

You resolved to quit smoking, so you will switch out your cigarettes for a vape to ease the transition. You’ll swear that you’re only doing it to help stop smoking. But also, you’ll ask your friends if they’ve seen your latest rig that has some sweet custom mods, letting everyone know you vape, bruh.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will finally delete your meme Instagram account after several accusations of meme stealing. As the cops bang at your door, you’ll have to admit to yourself that life truly does not get lower than this.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

After deciding that your best course of action is to do good deeds, you’ll decide to donate your non-perishables to at the food bank. They will be so grateful for your three cans of peaches and half-eaten 7-11 sandwich.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You know 2017 is going to be the year you find the love of your life. After making a Tinder account, you’ll start swiping right immediately. You’ll soon delete the app after someone matches with you and says “hey,” reminding you how bad you are at any form of social interaction.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

This year is going to be a year of adventures and exploration, you tell yourself. You’ll take a leap of faith on a piece of advice from your local horoscope, and punch yourself directly in the dick. Was it worth it? Maybe.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Working on fulfilling one of your New Year’s resolutions to reduce your stress, you’ll get really, really into yoga. When your peers ask if you’re okay after holding the “Destroyer of the Universe” pose for over an hour, you will declare that you are “zen as fuck, dude!”

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