The Gauntlet endorses _________
While we all wish the longest election in modern Canadian history could’ve gone on longer, Canadians officially go to the polls on Oct. 19.
As students, we hear a lot about how we need to get out and vote in order to make our voices heard. But sometimes you can’t be bothered to read up on which candidates are the best fit for your precious ballot.
In the final week leading up to voting day, various publications across the country will publish formal endorsements of parties and their respective leaders. As people who’ve spent the last eleven weeks being overly excited by every tiny detail of this election, the Gauntlet decided to do the same.
Naturally, we endorse Prime Minister Stephen Harper for his grey, aerodynamic helmet and cold aura of calculated control. Canada is a vast, multicultural nation that is always changing, so we are best led by a machine who requires regular oil changes and has a removable control panel. And the Harpertron 2015 offers a sleek new design with eighteen brand new catchphrases. Just tap his elbow and the Harpertron 2015 will spout out talking points like “preserve Canadian identity” and “economic stability.”
The Harpertron 2015 is programmable with dozens of family-friendly songs, including Billy Joel’s “The Piano Man,” and Elton John’s “Bennie and the Jets.” The latest model of the Harpertron comes with an optional compartment containing a niqab he can pull out in the case of declining poll numbers.
We also endorse New Democratic Party leader Tom Mulcair. Mulcair ran his campaign on the promise that the NDP is “ready for change.” He also offers the most literal change. Just like your elderly grandpa, Mulcair promises to give every citizen a shiny new quarter to buy a soda pop from the corner store.
That distant, dead emptiness in his eyes may be a sign of the ghost of Tommy Douglas trying to wrest control of his physical form and save tanking NDP polling numbers. Upon Mulcair’s election, he will burst forth and reveal his true and final form, showering Canada in the socialist hellscape we were all promised. This should be encouraged.
If you vote NDP, you are required to perform a ritual summoning after your trip to your polling station. Sacrifice your firstborn child to the socialist gods, so it costs less for Mulcair to follow through on his promise of universal childcare.
As a student newspaper, we are also legally contracted to direct a portion of our endorsement towards Justin Trudeau and the Liberal party simply because he promises marijuana legalization. Under a Trudeau government, we are incredibly excited to pay taxes on weed and buy it from a high-end retailer rather than having to deal with Weed Rick and his weird old rusty pickup truck down the street.
While a Trudeau prime ministership would mean the decline of small businesses like Weed Rick’s, he will ultimately bring in thousands of dollars in shampoo endorsement deals and canoe modelling ads. With Trudeau in charge, Canada will easily win “most attractive political leader.” Sorry David Cameron — maybe next year.
The bottom line is that all of these human candidates — and the one cybernetic humanoid candidate — have their flaws. It’s unlikely you’ll find one you wholly agree with or completely trust with Canada’s economy and livelihood. There are pros and cons to every party platform, but that shouldn’t stop you from voting at all.
It may be a choice between a state-of-the-art AI construct, the vessel of a socialist ghost or a very successful hair model, but it’s up to us as voters to decide which one we want to lead our country.
Do your research, think things through and make the best decision for you. Most importantly, don’t be an idiot. Go vote for someone.
Melanie Woods, Gauntlet Editorial Board