Tips for surviving a Calgary winter

By Derek Baker, November 20, 2014 —

After three and a half days of autumn, the chilly fingers of winter have tightened their grip around the city. If this is your first winter in Calgary, or if you need a quick refresher on dealing with the cold, follow these pointers. If they don’t work out, complaining to as many people as possible should get you through the tough times of this chilly and frosty season.

Make a status update:

In today’s fast-paced society, people don’t have time to look outside to see what the weather is like. Those thoughtful updates on how you “don’t know why you live in this godforsaken freezing city” keep us from stepping outside on a -30 day wearing shorts and a t-shirt. We thank you, noble social media heroes, for your bravery in reminding us of the obvious.

Take notes from penguins:

Break down that awkward stranger barrier and form a giant standing huddle at the bus-stop. If you’re with friends, this is a great way to find out how valued you are in your circle.The closer you are to the centre, the more you are loved.

Just give ’er: Car stuck? No problem. Put the pedal to the metal and hope for the best. Still a no go? Just keep flooring it. Something’s bound to happen. All of that smoke and exhaust you smell means it’s working. Don’t give up now.

Write to your MP:

We were promised global warming, not another Ice Age! With gas cheap, it should be gushing out of the pumps. The government has been waiting for a chance to ignore environmental damage, and now that we’re all too cold to think twice, this is it.

Retire to Florida:

Becoming a snowbird is the Canadian Dream. Let’s be real, the best way to deal with winter in Calgary is to run away to your timeshare in Florida. The Sunshine State — with its strange fauna and equally strange people — is terrible in its own way, but still better than the perpetually frozen nosehairs you’ll experience here.

Live completely indoors:

It’s possible to get almost everywhere on campus without going outside. Once you’re here, navigate the complex system of +15s and tunnels like a rat in a maze to get from class to class. Survive off Tim Hortons and Bake Chef subs. You can even take up residency amidst the modernist furniture of the first floor of TFDL and never go outdoors until the sun returns. Come April, you can emerge from the artificial interior like a newborn deer seeing the light of day for the first time.