English professor laces novels with cocaine

By Melanie Woods, February 26 2015 —

Full-time English students often have to read two or three novels a week. Add jobs, extracurriculars and other classwork, and many students resort to shortcuts to bypass reading the actual novel.

Professor John Winters plans to put a stop to this.

Beginning in Fall 2015, all of the required novels for Winters’ ENGL 348 class will be lined with trace amounts of cocaine. Winters hopes that developing an addiction to hard drugs will help motivate students to make their way through works like Canterbury Tales in Old English.

“Even pop quizzes on the reading material haven’t been sufficient in persuading students to actually do the readings,” Winters said. “Hopefully a little cocaine will do the trick.”

Winters said he’s worked closely with the Chemistry department to develop a system of synthetically binding benzoylmethylecgonine particles to the pages of classic novels.

“The cocaine is actually embedded into the paper during the printing process,” he said. “Students then absorb it through their fingertips as they turn the pages. It’s a fast, easy high with no snorting required.”

He said that the concept has already been approved by several major publishers. Winters hopes the process will lead to lucrative sponsorships and endorsements from noted drug lords, both locally and worldwide.

“I’ll have you know I have several kingpins lined up to deal,” he said. “They’re very interested in committing their product to this endeavour. This will be a massive financial boost for the university. I can see the Pablo Escobar library taking shape within the next decade.”

Winters said he could’ve used caffeine, sugar or some other stimulant, but wanted to get the most intense results possible.

“Students won’t be able to stop reading halfway through. Their minds won’t wander to something else,” Winters said. “Because they will be addicted to reading. And cocaine. They will definitely be addicted to cocaine.”

Winters said not only will students’ grades drastically improve, but they’ll absorb more raw information faster, leading to less time needed to actually study.

“They’ll be reading faster and more thoroughly than ever before as they search for that powdered gold,” he said.

Winters said that crippling drug addiction is a small price to pay for an appreciation of the classics.

“I’ve been doing this for years and I’m fine,” he said, red-rimmed eyes wide. “Totally fine. Great. Fucking great.”

Winters then proceeded to rapidly recite the entirety of T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland” from memory without blinking.