Dream big with Den renovations

The Students’ Union recently announced plans to renovate the Den for the first time in 13 years. While it’s tempting to pinch pennies, it’s important that the SU doesn’t skimp on quality. 

Before the topic goes before our elected officials, we here at the Gauntlet are filing our recommendations on how the Den’s face should get lifted. 

A lot of students hate the Den. “It’s too dirty,” “it’s just a place to hook up,” or “everybody’s too shit-faced.” This is all true. And short of removing Thursday’s drink specials or bringing in the morality police to help make room for Jesus, we can’t do much about the second two. But the Den can be appealing if we sink some money into the place. 

With a better-looking venue, the SU could attract some better acts. Why do we have the same DJ playing rinsed-out top-40 every Thursden? This isn’t a Disney Cruise and you aren’t with your “hip aunt.” Improve the sound system, get a proper stage and bring the DJ out of their cage. Stop playing Katy Perry trap remixes and start exclusively play Shout by the Isley Brothers. Bring in D-list celebrities from the early 2000s. We suggest Tommy Lee, Moby or Paris Hilton.

The floors, furniture and walls need to be replaced. Yank it all out. The Den should become the star of Pimp my Pub, a new MTV show. Once the SU has finished paying for the new two-story aquarium, chocolate fondue fountain, four live horses and Xzibit’s appearance fees, they may have to declare bankruptcy. Sacrifices must be made.

Also, the Black Lounge and the Den are too aesthetically similar. They should be differentiated according to class and intention. 

Downstairs, the Den should formalize a neon-only dress code. Shutter shades are mandatory, so dig out that pair from your middle-school dance memory box. You’ll find them next to the Kleenex doused with the perfume of the first girl you slow danced with. 

To cut costs, the SU should cut ties with Molson and strike a deal with that guy in America who invented powdered alcohol. Safe injection sites should be installed to cut down on long Thursday night lines, and powder should be coloured and thrown on patrons in a side room like those fun runs on everyone’s Instagram from the summer of 2013. The SU can try to start another failed hashtag, #ColourMeShitFaced. Don’t be alarmed if you see your classmates mainlining powder into their eyes. It’s just tequila. 

For the traditionalists who prefer drinking their alcohol to snorting it, the Black Lounge should be more your speed. The plebs must be kept out of this newly renovated space. 

Patrons, no matter their gender, should only be let into the Black Lounge if they’re dressed like a Kennedy. There should be at least four white grand pianos with pianists playing Nat King Cole covers, and the bar will only serve single malt whiskey. Conversations will be limited to the stock exchange, golfing and argyle sweater vests. Anyone in breach of the rules will be placed in a dance cage downstairs for the amusement of other patrons. 

Currently, both the Den and the Black Lounge are dated. We don’t expect the space to look like a Moxie’s once the renovation is finished. Just don’t give us a Montana’s. Drunk kids would just draw dicks on the tablecloths and eat the crayons. 

Regardless of whether the SU heeds any of these suggestions, the Den deserves to look good. Saving money is important, but so is our ability to get piss-drunk someplace nice.

We can’t just slap a fresh coat of paint on a 13-year-old design and hope it turns out well. The Den deserves a proper reno.

Gauntlet Editorial Board