Very serious horoscopes

By Sean Willett, April 9 2015 —

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will find a $100 bill on the street, but when you bend down to pick it up, your pants rip. Drake will see this and write an entire mournful album mocking your foibles. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A lost bet will force you to eat an entire bowl of those gross-ass nub ends of bananas. You die from this and it’s not at all tragic. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

While on a business trip to Japan, you will accidentally show  a select group of executives your stick-and-poke tattoo that says “fuck too nippon” that you got while drunk at a hardcore show. They will be understandably upset with your xenophobia.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

One thing will lead to another and you will end up on a TLC show about how you love having sex with your car. You will fuck your sexy, sexy car on national TV. You will love doing sexual things with your car. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

While fleeing the cops, you will accidentally drop your infant son into the sewer, where he will find a bustling rat metropolis. The rats will raise him as one of their own, teaching him their ways and customs. Years from now, locals will tell hallowed tales of the beautiful rat boy that stalks the alleys of this city at night.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will get dick termites.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

All of your exes will get together and write a book about how bad you are at sex. It turns out you are so bad at sex, Stephen Harper makes having sex with you illegal so no one has to go through that traumatic experience again.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You decide to stop washing your jeans in order to preserve the quality of the artisanal denim. Your filthy dirt-jeans will give you sepsis.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

After disrespecting pyramids on the bodybuilding forums, you will be cursed by a mummy to never work out again. You’re destined to be a beta manlet forever.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your professional modelling career will come to a tragic end after is is revealed that your Christian name is Nigel Dipshit.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’re going to get your ass kicked by an emu that escaped from the petting zoo. It’s going to kick your ass in front of your entire family. From then on they’ll only call you “The Emu Pussy.” What the fuck, mom? Please stop calling me “The Emu Pussy.”

 Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Fuck! Your dick got smashed by a well-used carpenter’s hammer.