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New bookstore layout forces local students into four-day survival epic

By Derek Baker, September 3 2015 —

Three students who were lost in the bookstore for four days have been found by Campus Security. The search began after the students were reported missing last Sunday.

Pundits are blaming the disappearance on the bookstore’s new layout. The change from grouping books by subject to alphabetically sorting them by author last name has caused disorientation throughout the student body.

The three biology students were looking for their biostatistics textbook when they became lost.

“We went to the corner of the store where we usually find our textbooks, but it wasn’t there!”  said Sammy Smith, recovering from mild dehydration. “That’s when the panic set in.”

After pacing back and forth between the shelves for several hours, it became clear that the trio would not make it out that first night. The students then made camp, creating tents out of lab coats and burning old academic calendars for warmth.

The days that followed brought little progress. The endless aisles of alphabetized books created an eclectic labyrinth, with engineering textbooks next to Margaret Atwood novels and C++ coding guides next to books on political theory.

In an attempt to solicit rescue, a flare made of a bunson burner and two U of C tartan scarves was set off.  There is now a large burn mark on the ceiling.

Bookstore management claim they are aware of the confusion caused by the new organization system. A $178.50 map of the store’s new layout is available for purchase. It is recommended.

“It didn’t say the map was required, so we didn’t buy it at first,” Smith said.

With the remaining food supplies the group had running low, they eventually decided to buy the map, allowing them to finally find their textbook.

Upon arriving at the location where the book should have been, the shelf was empty. Instead, a two week backorder was in its place.

Empty-handed, the group resigned themselves to their fates.  Rescuers found the students shortly after.

“We hoped that we could just return the map right after we got out,” Smith said, hoping to take advantage of the convenient 14-day return policy.

The map was deemed “not-in-mint-condition” due to a microscopic crinkle in the lower left-hand corner, and was unable to be returned.

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