Election recount results in Blue Jays government, Bautista prime minister

By Melanie Woods, October 20 2015 —

On Oct. 19, Canada elected a Liberal majority government. However, a recent recount revealed that the 2015 Toronto Blue Jays will form a minority government.

Every player on the 40-man roster was elected as a Member of Parliament, with several stars representing multiple ridings. The total number of seats held by the Blue Jays is over 100, compared to 95 for the Liberals, 91 for the Conservatives, NDP, 9 for the Bloc and one for the Greens.

All other parties agreed to support a Blue Jays government.

“We’re all part of Blue Jays nation,” said Justin Trudeau, who narrowly lost the chance to form government to a sports team.

Because the Blue Jays were not officially on the ballot, voters had to write in the names of their favourite Jays players.

“There’s nothing more Canadian than the Blue Jays,” said voter Tom Derickson, who helped elect pitcher David Price to the riding of Calgary-Confederation in a tight race with Conservative candidate Len Webber. “The Liberals may be Canada’s oldest political party, but baseball is timeless.”

Only five of the 40 players on the Blue Jays roster are Canadian citizens. Elections Canada suspended several key rules, allowing the entire team to not only vote, but also be eligible as write-in candidates.

“I don’t care about pipelines or niqabs or any of that,” Derickson said. “You know what I care about? Drinking a cool beer and watching Price pitch a no-hitter. That’s what Canada is. Can Trudeau pitch three consecutive outs in the bottom of the ninth with the entire country watching? I doubt it.”

Strategic voting websites like hashtagcometogether.ca emerged to ensure that every player won at least one seat.

University of Calgary political science professor Lynn Jacobs specializes in the relationship between nationalism, politics and sports. She said the election result reflects modern Canadian identity.

“In a time of attack ads and crazy slogans, Canada decided to #ComeTogether,” Johnson said. “I would say this was a surprise, but Canadians really fucking love the Blue Jays right now. Their approval ratings are through the retractable roof.”

Johnson also said the result is likely due to the election falling on the same night as the ALCS Game 3.

“Canadians were focused on the game and voted accordingly,” Johnson said. “These boys have captured the nation’s spirit like no fancy-haired Trudeau ever could.”

Voter turnout was up by 97 per cent.

“The only people who didn’t vote were probably Royals fans,” Johnson said. “Screw ‘em.”

Slugger José Bautista — responsible for the iconic three-run homer in Game 5 of the ALDS final — will serve as prime minister. He was elected as the MP for 20 different seats across the country.

“I’m really happy,” Bautista said. “The voters chose us as the true leaders of Canada.”

Bautista reportedly wrote down his own name and flipped the pencil over his shoulder when voting.

First-time voter Susan Gorman said she wasn’t a Jays fan until recent weeks, but still cast her vote for Bautista in Calgary-Nosehill.

“The first baseball game I ever watched was the ALDS Game 5,” she said. “And when Bautista hit that homer, every person in the bar I was in stood up and started singing the national anthem. That’s what real change is.”

The first session of the new parliament will be held at Rogers Centre next month. Pints of Coor’s Light will be available in the gallery for $15 each. Security will be on-hand to discourage fans from throwing trash at the opposition parties.