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Louie Villanueva

Five things you probably didn’t know about the new four-car C-Trains

By Melanie Woods, November 17 2015 —

Last week, Calgary Transit began circulating their much anticipated four-car C-Trains. The addition of an extra car will hopefully ease congestion during rush hour periods and keep you from having to be sandwiched between two sweaty Flames fans in body paint on game nights. Alternatively, it may mean there will be four whole cars stuffed full of sweaty Flames fans in body paint to choose from when taking the train. Regardless, there are a few new functions for the fourth cars you probably didn’t know about.

Just the beginning: Now that we have four-car C-Trains, what’s to stop Calgary Transit from introducing five-car trains? Six? Fifteen? Before we know it, transit lines will just be a continuous chain of moving cars. People will move from work to home like cogs on an assembly line in one of those factories you see on How It’s Made. We are all just parts of the system, moving in statistical algorithms and timed sequences.

Street hockey venue: Step into the fourth car and enter the world of competitive street hockey. In order to boost municipal profits, Calgary Transit is partnering with DraftKings® to introduce daily fantasy ball-hockey betting on matches taking place right in the car. Passengers can wager their spare change on players ranging from Flames rejects to Naheed Nenshi himself and watch all the action go down while cruising the 202 line. Transit fare is free, but you’re guaranteed to lose thousands of dollars and your lifelong love of the game. Remember, it’s a game of skill and anyone can win, so you might as well wait one more stop and see how your fantasy team turns out.

Wedding venue: Calgary Transit will rent out the fourth cars for private functions. Disillusioned with the Peace Bridge? Get married while going over the train bridge between Sunnyside and 8th St. stations. The train has to keep moving for legal reasons, but you’ll get a mediocre view for like 10 seconds. Also, nobody will forget the rager reception you threw in the second car, or how Benny from accounting spilled an entire pitcher of beer on himself when the train went through a tunnel.

Interdimensional portal: Several of the new fourth cars will serve as interdimensional portals to the fire realm. Any passengers who step inside will be consumed in eternal flame and ascend from the mortal plane. Don’t be alarmed — in the eternal fire realm you will find true enlightenement and all you desire. Next train arriving, please stand behind the line of scalding fire.

Dispensary: The addition of a fourth car is also the first step in noted pot-smoker Justin Trudeau’s plan to legalize marijuana. Each fourth car will be equipped with a full-service dispensary, snack bar and super chill music to set the mood. Have you ever tried to hotbox a train car? It’s fucking sick.

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