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University administration to legally change every student’s name to Taylor

By Derek Baker, February 9 2016 —

University of Calgary administration announced on Tuesday, Feb. 9 that every student’s last name will be legally changed to Taylor.  Though the plan has been met with widespread criticism, administration claimed this is the best move to ensure the Taylor family will keep forking massive amounts of money over to us.

“Changing the last names of the students was a no-brainer,” provost Dru Taylor said in an e-mail. “Just think — we can now be a vibrant family of Taylors experiencing the student experience.”

The e-mail concluded with a seven-page list of sponsors.

A new $500.00 acceptance deposit for incoming students will be implemented in the upcoming academic year to compensate for the fees associated with legal name changes.

Name changes will begin with new applicants and first-year students.  Students in their final year may not be required to legally change their name if they graduate quickly enough.

Second-year geophysics student Alex Papastathopoulos is excited for the change.

“My name doesn’t fit on the Scantron. People with short last names don’t realise the stress this causes,” Papastathopoulos said. “I’ll finally be able to bubble in my full surname!”

First-year business student Taylor Hodges was less enthused.

“My name is going to be Taylor Taylor. How fucking ridiculous does that sound?” she said. “How will anyone ever take me seriously with a name like Taylor Taylor?”

Changing the last names of every student poses logistical issues.  Student are required to pay $25.00 to have their Unicards updated.

“The Taylor family has given us so much,” Dru Taylor said. “It is our time to give back by swearing fealty to them through permanent legal name changes.”

The updated student cards will grant access to any Taylor building on campus. When students scan their ID card at the entrance of the TFDL or  Taylor Institute for Teaching and Learning, a cold, emotionless, robotic voice will now welcome you to the building.

Dru Taylor hopes that students will eventually be expunged of first names and become an army of numbered Taylors.

“The student experience is the Taylor experience, so why be anything but a Taylor?” Taylor said. “If we’re all part of the Taylor family, maybe some students won’t be so keen to sue their family members over student centres.”

In addition to the proposed student name changes, university administration plans on renaming MacHall the Taylor Centre for the Taylor Engagement of the Taylor Experience.

This article is part of our humour section.

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