Student finds Holy Grail of bathrooms at University of Calgary

By Bryan Moxon, May 31 2016 —

After years of speculation over its existence, fourth-year urban studies student Percy Pear discovered a perfectly pristine university washroom last week.

“I was walking to campus one morning when I was struck in the mouth by a piece of paper,” Pear said. “After careful examination, I noticed it was a map.”

Armed with the prospect of finding the perfect porcelain paradise, Pear took matters into his own hands.

“It led me to the Math Science building,” Pear said. “I went down the stairs, took a left, answered the Sphinx’s riddles three, jumped through rings of fire, swam through shark-infested waters, took another right — and there it was.”

Pear said what he discovered completely changed his outlook on pooping at school.

“As I opened the door, my nose was hit with a fresh scent of not shit,” Pear said. “All of the stall doors were hanging on both of their hinges. They opened silently and smoothly. Inside, the toilet seat looked like Mr. Clean himself had rested his firm, hairless ass upon the porcelain.”

Pear’s eyes glazed over and drifted apart like a dying lizard as he further recollected his experience.

“I was serenaded by the sound of a lone cello from the stall next to me playing songs of the lost innocence of youth,” Pear said. “The toilet paper was neither one-ply nor two-ply. Rather, a man named Reginald provided an embroidered towel.”

Like a lizard slowly losing consciousness in a cold refrigerator, Pear contentedly described the end of his ethereal experience.

“The sinks were automatic, but I did not have to frantically perform a hand jive under the tap to get three seconds of water. That sink cleansed my hands the way only a sink can,” Pear said. “To dry the water from my hands and the tears from my eyes, I used Reginald’s Egyptian cotton shirt — he offered it enthusiastically.”

When asked if he would make the specific location of the transcendent washroom public, Pear’s eyes snapped back into focus like a very-much-alive lizard.

“Obviously, I’ll keep it a secret. Nobody can find out about this,” he said. “It can’t be be discovered by the plight of humanity, lest it be tarnished forever like every other bathroom here.”

This article is part of our humour section.