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First-year student misses final exams waiting in line for the first Thursden

By Derek Baker, September 13 2016 —

When it comes to waiting in line on campus, the queue for the first Thursden of the academic year is notoriously long. This year was no exception.

First-year open-studies student Gavin Gordon already missed his fall semester final exams waiting to get into the weekly event.

“We got there just past 8:30 p.m. and we couldn’t believe the line was already that long,” Gordon said. “By the time we got to the front, it was already halfway through December and I missed my biology and calculus exam.”

The Den and Black Lounge opens at 11:30 a.m. on Thursdays. It is recommended that students arrive by 11:32 a.m. at the very latest to avoid waiting in a ridiculously long queue.

The line — which extended past the Olympic Oval out towards the Alberta Children’s Hospital  onto the highway — was particularly long this year.

“I had to go to Thursden — literally everyone was going and I couldn’t resist getting turnt for the night,” said Gordon while reading information on being placed on academic probation. “Who needs to pass classes when you can have a few triple vodka slime pitchers, anyway?”

Waiting in line for such a long amount of time did not come without hardship. Gordon described the difficulty of maintaining his pregame buzz throughout the four-month period.

“Man, the pregame was lit AF,” Gordon said. “There’s nothing quite like sipping hard liquor from a flask smuggled in your crotch while pressed up against hordes of other slightly inebriated students.”

The Students’ Union said they’re aware of the lengthy queue and are devising a system to make the process more efficient. They plan on installing a “Fastpass” system, where students take tickets that specify an entry time.

“Our Fastpass system will revolutionize the rate at which we can get students effectively plastered at the Den,” SU vice-president student life Patrick Ma said. “It’ll be just like Disneyland, minus the crying kids. The Den will truly be the happiest place on earth.”

However, not everyone feels the thrill of the spectacle that is Thursden. Many indifferent upper-year students now find comfort in a quieter night in with friends.

“It’s adorable seeing all these excited first-years pumped for their first taste of freedom. My friends and I spent Thursday night sitting in the living room, discussing memes and reminiscing on the glory days,” third-year ecology student Jared Backer said. “I was in bed by 10:00 p.m. that night. Holy shit, I’m old.”

When questioned on his strategy for next semester, Gordon enthusiastically disclosed his plan.

“I’m already pregaming for the first Thursden back in the Winter semester,” Gordon said while shotgunning a Co-op Gold® Lager. “But this time, I’ll come early enough only to miss midterms. I just can’t get enough of that grimy, grimy dance floor.”

Gordon says he does not regret his decision to skip his exams.

“You can always retake a class, but you can’t relive a Thursden,” Gordon said.


This article is part of our humour section.

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