2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Photo by Mariah Wilson

TFDL temporarily closes after cryptocurrency mining accident

By Frankie Hart, January 31 2018 —

A small electrical fire broke out this morning on the third floor of the Taylor Family Digital Library. After a brief investigation, staff discovered that the fire resulted from overheating computers that were being used in an extensive cryptocurrency mining operation.

The cryptocurrency project was a combined effort between two self-described “very high-IQ” students: first-year computer science major Mark Maskin and first-year business student Parker Penger.

“University teaches us the importance of multidisciplinary collaboration,” Maskin explained, not looking up from his laptop. “With Bitcoin being so promising lately, taking advantage of the resources available to students seemed obvious.”

Despite the fire damage, the university’s greatest concern was the use of the facility after opening hours.

“Well, I suppose the library wasn’t technically available since it isn’t open at night,” Penger admitted. “But we only did it since no one would be using the computers at that time anyway. What’s wrong with capitalizing on unused materials?”

The two regretted not doing further research into mining rigs before attempting the operation on a mass scale. If they could go back, the pair said they would declare a strict no-alcohol policy within close range of the setup.

“Luckily, we salvaged our Bitcoin wallet from the fire. Unfortunately, due to its drop in value, we personally owe Satoshi Nakamoto $4,000 dollars,” Maskin lamented.

The project ultimately was a net loss, due to the volatility of Bitcoin and the low value of the alternative cryptocurrencies they also mined.

“I wanted to invest in Dogecoin rather than Bitcoin because it’s obviously more marketable. Everyone remembers the Doge meme — youth are much more likely to invest in a cryptocurrency with a ‘face,’ ” Penger explained.

The duo confided to their friend in political science about the project, who suggested that they should have also looked into mining RonPaulCoin. After this, they decided diversifying their investments between multiple alternative coins suggested by their friends would be a lucrative decision. WhopperCoin, Titcoin, Potcoin, Coinye, Trumpcoin and Putincoin make up the remaining investment portfolio.

Combined, these altcoins only summed up to approximately $10, which they put towards paying off their debt for burning down the entire third floor of the TFDL.


This article is part of our humour section.

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet