B.C. to build giant curtain around Port of Vancouver, save ocean

By Derek Baker, March 1 2018 —

In the wake of the current pipeline dispute between Alberta and British Columbia, the Pacific Province has taken another extraordinary step in protecting the environment.

Plans have been put in place to build giant curtains around the Port of Vancouver to make it easier to turn a blind eye to the several-million tonnes of coal exported from the province annually.

“British Columbia must take decisive action to protect its coasts and oceans, which we care deeply about,” B.C. environment minister George Heyman said from the provincial capital of Victoria, still pumping raw sewage into the ocean. “We are the most environmentally-friendly government in the country — just don’t look too closely.”

The planned giant curtains, which will be made from polyester fabric, are intended to make it look like you’re just looking out at the ocean when viewed from the city and not 40-foot-tall mounds of thermal and metallurgical coal.

“Everything is pristine and perfect,” said Heyman, showing designs of what will be printed on the curtains. “Look, there’s even a dolphin jumping in this section!”

Though the project’s necessity has been questioned — many residents claim they find the port easy enough to ignore already — a notable few individuals have staunchly defended this eco-friendly measure.

“I really, really care about the environment. Everyone should do their part to reduce their carbon footprint,” said life-long Vancouver resident Dave Smith after returning from his fifth ski trip to Whistler this year.

Still, many Albertan oil producers are sympathetic to B.C.’s in regards to the increased risks associated with more tanker traffic resulting from pipeline expansions. However, BigOilCo™  spokesperson Billy Jacobs said that they have devised the perfect solution.

“If there just so happens to be a bitumen spill, that’s really nothing to worry about. It’ll sink, so you can just pretend that it’s not there, too,” he said.

The Albertan government did not comment on the new developments by press time. However, sources have suggested that the province may enact a similar policy to B.C.’s, but instead putting curtains around their borders so they can pretend the rest of the country doesn’t exist.

This article is part of our Humour section.