Smokers rejoice as wildfires make cigarettes unnecessary

By David Stewart, August 31 2018 —

As the province of British Columbia continues to be ravaged by wildfires and smoke pours into Calgary, some have managed to find the good in a bad situation. Over the past week, thousands of self-identified smokers began taking to the streets for a breath of bad air.

“I think it’s okay,” local smoker Ron Jimson said, taking a deep whiff of the Calgary atmosphere and coughing intermittently. “All I’m saying is it could be way worse.”

Jimson, a founding member of the Smokers’ Association of Central Alberta (SACA), said the wildfires have invigorated the smoking community in a new way.

“There’s no better time to be a smoker, my friend. I haven’t bought any cigs in weeks,” Jimson said, “All I have to do now is take a nice, long walk and I’m all good.”

Jimson claimed that he’s saved thousands of dollars from his cigarette budget and is even in great shape from his increased walking. Though Jimson and the other members of SACA are enjoying this spontaneous free pollution, another group is unamused — tobacco companies. SACA is responsible for over 75 per cent of tobacco products sold in Calgary and Big Tobacco™ has taken notice.

“It’s very alarming,” Alberta Tobacco CEO Pauline Shwitzer stated from her very tall and shiny office building. “Our sales dropped to almost nothing in one day. Needless to say, we took notice.”

Though this drop in revenue is heavily affecting Alberta, B.C. has been hit the hardest, says Shwitzer.

“In some places, the amount of smoke is so dense that you can’t see down the street. You know what that means? Pay cuts, baby,” Shwitzer explained.

New plans of action by tobacco companies are under development, including tobacco agents combatting the wildfires with Super Soakers, but for now nothing can be done to alleviate the drop in sales.

“More than half of our B.C. team is out of work, but nobody thinks of the poor tobacco executives having to sell one of their Lambos,” lamented Shwitzer.

If you enjoy the filtered, toasty kiss of tobacco, why not go for a walk instead? Oxygen is overrated, anyway.

This article is part of our humour section.