Study concludes that no one cares

By David Stewart, October 14 2018 —

According to a groundbreaking study from the University of Calgary, no one cares anymore.

Carried out by professor of enlightenment studies Wayan G. Smith-Buckler, the study sampled a diverse cohort of U of C students, from expressive arts students all the way to muscular kinesiology students. The study asked the question, “What are your current hopes and dreams?” The results will not shock you.

“Hopes and dreams? Dude, I’m in five classes that all have assignments due tomorrow. I spend my weekends bagging groceries at Safeway,” said Tyler Turlington, a second-year biological sciences student, looking ahead lazily like a cow in a pasture. “Right now, my hopes and dreams are to keep from crying on the C-Train on the way home.”

Turlington was one of only a few dozen students who bothered to participate in this study, which also included first-year kinesiology major Sharon DeMartein.

“When I came to university, I thought things would be different from high school, you know? Interesting classes, no cliques, shorter Tims lines, but no. Nothing has changed,” sighed DeMartein. “It took me 45 minutes to get a bagel yesterday. A bagel. With just plain cream cheese, nothing crazy. I don’t care anymore.”

DeMartein, who left crying after this interview, revealed the unsurprising hardships that students experience at university include exhaustion, fatigue and MacHall lines. These hardships often combine with overworking, leading to a sense of overwhelming apathy towards life itself.

“Apathy is a small leap from anger, resentment and a complete restructuring of one’s life,” Dr. Smith-Buckler explained. “I urge students to find something to care about. Or don’t. Whatever.”

This article is part of our humour section.