Student tries meditation, attains enlightenment, drops out

By Calum Robertson, November 2, 2018 —

University has long been known as a place where students can expand their minds and explore their purpose in life. For most, the process culminates in the form of a crisp piece of paper and leads to a moderately well-paying job in a neat little office somewhere.

But that is not the destiny for everyone. Some find themselves on more unconventional paths in life, leading them to realms where many of us never dare venture.

Ada Clare, who until recently was a third-year University of Calgary student, has become one of those privileged few. She tried meditation during reading week on the advice of her friend Edith Barston. According to witnesses, Clare achieved enlightenment in a record time of 14 seconds, reaching bodhi — or awakening — after only a handful of ‘ohms’ and ‘inhale-exhales.’

“I didn’t think she’d actually try it, y’know?” Barston said. “Like, I’ve been trying to get her to dip into the spiritual since, like, halfway through first year. Me, I’ve been trying to attain enlightenment for years, but I guess some people just get it.”

When asked if her friend’s shockingly quick spiritual ascension was encouraging or disheartening, Barston replied, “Well, like, everybody is on their own spiritual journey, right? Some just have longer roads to do downward-facing dogs on or something, I suppose.”

Yogi Dave, who led the class and witnessed Clare’s inner transformation, said he was shocked, but “glad to see that somebody finally gets it.”

Clare assessed her life from her new vantage point and promptly dropped out of university.

She wrote a statement to her friends and parents explaining the decision.

“Before today, I was sleeping through my life, simply shuffling from place to place. But now, I have awoken and I understand the patterns and rhythms of this universe and our vibrant cosmos in a way that only my fellow enlightened can comprehend,” she wrote. “That clarity has shown, in the clearest of ways, that university just isn’t for me. You feel?”

Yogi Dave, himself a former dropout, was full of support for the budding Buddha.

“Her decision in a way validates my own, which I made years ago. All I’ve ever wanted is to attain that sweet, sweet enlightenment and her transition has inspired me,” he said. “It kind of confirms that I’m heading in the right direction. I just wish it wasn’t taking so long.

When asked how nirvana is treating her, Clare replied with a serene smile of perfect calm and a warm aura surrounding her person.

“Not to be cliché, but it honestly feels so liberating and enriching,” Clare said. “That student I used to be? I don’t even recognize that anxious girl. My soul is free. And university just doesn’t seem to fit with the whole brahman shtick. Gautauma never got a degree, right? ‘Cause you don’t need one to reach this level.”

At the time of last speaking, Clare shared her plans to journey to India to wander around and “maybe try fasting inside a tree, or something equally dope.”

Clare’s parents could not be reached for comment.

This article is part of our humour section.