Top five porn searches at U of C

By Frankie Hart, January 24 2018 —

Over winter break, the University of Calgary conducted a survey on the student population’s porn viewing habits. University administration stated that learning what piques the interests of students may help for student engagement and advertising purposes. Huh. Well, here are the top five types of pornography watched by U of C students:

5. Real-estate roleplay:

Owning a house? Talk about fantasy! What’s more alluring than having the resources to hang your hat? Most of us students can barely find a small apartment to rent, and the concept of owning a house is so abstract and so… hot.

4. Understanding professor:

A twist on the classic “hot for teacher” tale — the student visits the professor’s office hours about the trouble they’re having with the assignments and asks if they’re able to get an extension on an assignment or do something for extra credit. The professor accepts and also offers helpful advice. You know, your basic wish fulfilment stuff.

3. Textbook audiobooks:

It seems the porn industry has capitalized on the stubborn student tendency to not purchase textbooks. These videos are nude people reading various textbooks out loud, which is actually quite an efficient use of time on the part of the student viewer. Now the information is stored deep in their brain, right next to their other carnal desires. This might cause an awkward situation when attempting to recall answers during a test, though.

2. Fortnite:

Wait, that one’s real.

1. BSD-M:

Last Bermuda Shorts Day got a lot wilder than usual, apparently. If the SU wants to start making a profit off of BSD, maybe they should consider rebranding the beer gardens to the lube gardens. Can you think of a sexier concept than being flogged by Jimmy Buffett? I don’t think so.