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City introducing police breathalyzer test, determines if officer is ‘chill’

By Anika Zaman, February 8 2018 —

Last Tuesday, the federal government released a new breathalyzer test determining the ‘chillness’ of police officers. Since then, police departments across the country have been trying to cope with this sudden policy change.

Newly promoted police chief Paul Isheef, fresh from getting a buzzcut meant to hide his receding hairline, said he was initially excited about this new test and the changes it incited in the system.

“It seems like the civilians are the ones doing the policing nowadays,” Isheef laughed nervously while adjusting his aviators.

The test can be administered up to two hours after an officer has ended their shift and can be taken anywhere — the station, the grocery store or even at an officer’s front door.

“That last place can be dicey at times,” Isheef said. “People usually don’t like unwarranted accusations from strangers on their front porch.”

An officer’s chillness is determined by two primary factors — their ability to abstain from unnecessary violence and their willingness to not let their biases interfere with their work. While these standards may seem quite similar to basic human decency, almost the entire force was suspended for failing the test.

“Just between the two of us, the department is in chaos,” Isheef said. “We can’t seem to find anyone capable of passing the test who actually wants to be a police officer.”

Recruitment has turned to unorthodox methods in an attempt to fill the gap.

“We’ve formed a database of people who got in trouble for smoking weed in high school and started approaching them about joining the force,” Isheef explained. “Most weren’t interested in becoming ‘the man’ but a select few really had that desire for wielding power over their fellow man we look for in a recruit.”

If you’re interested in becoming a police officer, simply visit your local police station with a joint tucked behind your ear and ask to apply.

This article is part of our humour section.

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