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Students catch wind of secret, exclusive water park on second floor of Science B

By Derek Baker, February 15 2019 —

The torrent of water spewing from the ceiling of Science B last week made a splash in campus news. Students understandably found humour in their campus falling apart, much like themselves.

However, the burst pipe has raised suspicions of an even more peculiar circumstance. Rumours have circulated that it wasn’t just any normal pipe that burst — it was actually a pipe that leads to an exclusive and secret waterpark on the second floor of Science B.

“You know those tunnels they’re always talking about that connect the buildings? I heard that it’s actually waterslides between buildings that only faculty can use,” third-year computer science student Walter Slyde said. “Apparently, once you get a teaching position in the department, they give you key to the room with the park — and it rivals West Edmonton Mall.”

University administration would not provide an interview on allegations of the Science B waterpark. Instead, they released the following statement:

“There is definitely not a chance that there isn’t possibly a giant waterslide that may or may not exist on the second floor of Science B,” read a statement from the U of C’s facilities manager.

The presence of a waterpark exclusively for faculty use may explain how professors and teaching assistants for soul-crushing subjects like organic chemistry manage to remain positive. Sarah Saunders, a second-year biological sciences student, suspects that the ability to chill in a hot tub after labs is what gets her teaching assistants through the day.

“My o-chem TA is somehow always in a great mood,” Saunders said. “I always attributed it to the chemical fumes, but this makes much more sense.”

The Gauntlet sent a reporter to the second floor of Science B to investigate whether the waterpark exists, but could not find any direct evidence. However, a few professors were seen scurrying across a hallway in a bathrobe and flip-flops, with one knocking on another’s office asking if they “wanted to go for a steam?”

The group of professors then disappeared behind a locked door labelled “Not A Water Park.”

For now, students looking for a wet and wild time on campus will have to wait until the next pipe burst caused by a maintenance lapse. Thankfully, with hundreds of millions of dollars in deferred maintenance debt on the U of C campus, students may not have to wait that long.

This article is part of our humour section.

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