By Anton Charpentier, March 2 2020—
Let me throw out a little hypothetical. It’s another Friday night and your cool roommate Robbie is bringing home another lay. You’re alone — always have been — and you begin to hear the brief noises of intercourse and instead of subjecting yourself to Robbie’s three-and-a-half minutes of panting you decide to pop in one of your old musical tapes. You crank the volume to eleven hoping that it will mask the sloppy noises of Robbie’s love machine. Who knows, maybe they will enjoy the tunes as well? Here are the definitive songs that you need to have ready when Robbie decides to ruin some bedsheets.
“Hello” by Lionel Ritchie
“Hello” is a song made for people not having sex and is indescribably better when it’s paired to the sounds of other people’s lovemaking. Rumour has it that Lionel Ritchie wrote this song while listening to his roommate’s afternoon delight. The only downside to this song is that you will inevitably cry because of the gut-wrenching lyrics and neighbouring sex noises reminding you of your loneliness.
“Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield
If your life is anything like mine, your roommate is making sweet love to your crush. Playing this song will hide the yucky flapping sounds emerging from your paper-thin walls and will also send a subtle message to your crush that they’re sleeping with the wrong person. Maybe while they’re halfway done tromboning, your crush will stop and revaluate their relationship with you. Trust me, this will not sound desperate at all.
“Every Breath You Take” by The Police
Sometimes you just want to support your roommate while they’re parting the pink sea. Playing this classic by The Police is like holding their hands while they reach sexual ecstasy. It implies that you’re in their closet watching them while they’re taming the strange, breathing audibly. I’ve personally tried this song and I’ll tell you they wrapped up that whole affair fairly quickly once they heard this song emerging from underneath the mattress.
“Dancing With Myself” by Billie Idol
Let’s be honest, sometimes you just have to celebrate you even if it means you are no longer master of your domain. This song represents a celebration of self and triumphs the hot and wild nasty things your roommate is doing with their new partner. Who needs social skills when you’ve got some Billie Idol and self-esteem? Not you.
“You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt
This is the last resort song, and I’ll be honest, your roommate is going to think that you’re about to kill them and their partner in some kind of sick Son of Sam kind of way. If you play “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt, you’re essentially telling your roommate that if they keep this up, you’re going to straight-up murder them. Once you play this song, you will never have to hear your roommate’s sloppy buttflaps again as they will become celibate and likely join the priesthood.
This article is part of our humour section.