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Alberta government renames Ministry of Environment and Parks, announces partnership with beer company

By Kristy Koehler, March 10 2020—

Days after deciding to open provincial parks up for “partnerships” in a bid to save money, the Alberta Government made another shocking announcement. Premier Jason Kenney and Jason Nixon, Minister of Environment and Parks, held a press conference to announce a name change to the Ministry under Nixon’s purview. 

The Alberta Ministry of Environment and Parks is rebranding itself as the Ministry of Mudbogging and Gettin’ Er Done, Bud. 

Before addressing the name change, Kenney answered reporter’s questions regarding the potential sell-off of the province’s green spaces.

“My dream is to have the parks system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations,” said Kenney. “Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks — everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.”

“Mr. Kenney — that’s a quote from an episode of Parks and Rec,” remarked one astute reporter. “Ron Swanson said that.”

Kenney leaned over and whispered something to Jason Nixon, who appeared to confirm that his statement had indeed been borrowed from the popular sitcom.

“Chuck E. Cheese has an impeccable business model!” yelled Kenney as he ran back to his office, leaving Nixon to finish the press conference alone.

“I think what Premier Kenney is trying to say, is that under the current model, provincial parks are just places for homeless people to congregate,” said Nixon. “We want to be sure that the poor have no access to recreation or nature.

“We also want to make sure that parks are being used in accordance with what we perceive to be the needs of regular Albertans. Right now, there are plenty of families with offroad vehicles and no place to use them. How can we promise to restore the Alberta Advantage when there’s no place to get some mud on the wheels of people’s ATVs?” 

Nixon explained the government’s plan to ‘revitalize’ the parks into what essentially amounts to mud pits. He also explained how the recently-relaxed alcohol restrictions would allow for more people to enjoy the parks.

“We’re in talks with a beer company for our first partnership,” he said. “If all goes according to plan, Pilsner Provincial Park will have no grass, but it will have mud and several stands selling tallboys. Five dollars gets you entry to the park and another five gets you a can of Pilly.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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