Insert inner peace into your, um, life?

By Tori Taylor, March 30 2020—

If there has ever been a factual professional with golden advice that we should mould our lives around it would be Gwenyth Paltrow. GOOP is basically the Bible. For around $60 you can radiate positivity and good vibes by purchasing a rose quartz or jade ball to put up your vagina. Who doesn’t want to keep gemstones up in their lady pocket? The time is now. Strengthen your pelvic floor and cleanse out all past regrettable sexual choices with yoni eggs.

Quartz brings good energy and cleanses negativity. Rose quartz promotes a healthy love life and self-confidence. Jade will bring you prosperity and creativity. Imagine absorbing all of that right into your hooha? Similar to the idea of vodka soaked tampons in the butt — yoni eggs will deliver all the good vibes in an internal direct hit.

These eggs are a guarded secret of Chinese royalty. From queens to the local concubines, these quartz eggs used to be used to increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance and feminine energy — all very needed things in today’s day and age. I didn’t even know one could increase their feminine energy with a rock all up in their whooha. More importantly, we should all be impressed that there is an accurate way to measure femininity. I had no idea that type of energy was recordable.

With all the very real chaos going on these days, perhaps it is the perfect time to bring calming balance into your life  — or more literally, insert that grounding energy right up into your vagina.

This article is part of our humour section.