2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Illustration by Tricia Lim

Is your prof wearing pants during your online lecture?

By Kristy Koehler, April 8 2020—

Due to extraordinary circumstances, the University of Calgary has transitioned to completely online delivery of classes and many professors are still holding their lectures online using the video-conferencing platform Zoom. Notorious are the gaffes gone viral of interview candidates caught with a suit on top and skivvies on the bottom. What are the chances your prof has shed their trousers — and their dignity — during this pandemic? Take our definitive quiz — the most important of your university career by far — to see whether or not it’s business up top and party down below for your prof.

For every A) answer, give yourself 1 point. 

For every B) answer, give yourself 2 points.

For every C) answer, give yourself 3 points. 

For every D) answer, give yourself 4 points.

1. What is in the background while your prof is delivering Zoom lectures?

  • A) Relatively plain wall with a map or whiteboard on it.
  • B) Bookshelves.
  • C) Kitchen appliances.
  • D) “Zoom rooms” custom background.

2. What is the seating arrangement of your prof during the lecture?

  • A) Desk with a few pens and pencils and/or other appropriate accoutrements.
  • B) Desk piled high with books, papers and knick-knacks. It’s a mess.
  • C) The couch. 
  • D) Can’t see the seating due to the custom Hogwarts background.

3. What kind of shirt is your prof wearing?

  • A) Dress shirt and tie.
  • B) Collared button-up.
  • C) T-shirt.
  • D) Um… none. 

4. What subject is your prof teaching?

  • A) Engineering or Business.
  • B) Science.
  • C) History.
  • D) Philosophy.

5. Is your prof drinking anything during the lecture?

  • A) Coffee. From a mug with something sensible like “University of Calgary” or “tears of my students” written on it.
  • B) Coffee. From a mug with some cutesy academic saying like “tenured af” on it.
  • C) Coffee? Maybe. It’s hard to tell. The mug is branded with “Spring Break ‘76.”
  • D) A beer. From the bottle. They aren’t even trying to hide it.

6. How comfortable with technology was your prof during in-person lectures?

  • A) Very. Multiple screens, charts, interactive quizzes — the whole nine yards.
  • B) Somewhat. Their PowerPoints always looked pretty profesh and they had everything ready to go for when class started.
  • C) Meh. If a student got their PowerPoint up and running before class, they could manage to switch the slides on their own.
  • D) Technology? They couldn’t manage the lightswitch without calling IT for help. Class was always delayed because of “tech trouble.”

7. How are their “rate-my-prof” reviews?

  • A) A good mix of hate and lukewarm.
  • B) Solid “decent” territory. Demanding but fair.
  • C) Lotsa smiley faces. The only people who are upset clearly did not go to class at all or wanted to actually learn.
  • D) Chill af. There’s even a Reddit thread devoted to how easy their classes are.

8. What are your prof’s late work and extension policies?

  • A) Late work receives a 25 per cent per day reduction, including weekends. You’ve heard they gave an extension — once — years ago.
  • B) Marks reduce by a letter grade per day your work is late. Extensions have to be requested one week in advance.
  • C) You’ll get five per cent taken off per day late. They’re pretty liberal with extensions as long as you ask 24 hours in advance.
  • D) Extensions? Sure. Just hand it in whenever.

Bonus Round. Add two points for any of the following:

Visible cats.

Pants laying on the floor.

The Beach Boys playing in the background.

Prof slides their chair around instead of getting up.

Recycle bin next to their desk has some cans of PBR in it.

Tantric sex manual on the bookshelf.

The Picard Maneuver. (Trekkies, you know what’s up)

Add up your points.

If you scored 810 points:

Your prof is not only wearing pants, but those pants are fully pressed. This is a pandemic, not a party. There’s no time for tomfoolery. 

If you scored 11–20 points:

Your prof is wearing pants. Casual ones. Jeans or corduroy. It’ll take a few more trips to the grocery store and finding the toilet paper out of stock to convince them to shed the academic vibes.

If you scored 21–30 points:

Your prof might be wearing pants — it’s up in the air. They don’t seem like they’re quite in strip-off-the-skivvies territory just yet, so if they don’t have pants on, you can be assured they’re still in underoos. Realistically, they’re probably in shorts or sweats.

If you scored 31+ points:

Your prof is definitely not wearing pants. They’re probably not even wearing underwear. Good on them. This shit is stressful. Hopefully they used some of their hand sanitizer for the chair they’re sitting on….

This article is part of our humour section.

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet