By Josie Simon, February 17 2021—
To quote Katy Perry, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?” If you answered “Yes!” then you’re in luck! I have compiled a list of my top five “healthy” coping mechanisms. Though the true health benefits of these coping mechanisms may be questionable, just remember, there are no unhealthy coping mechanisms, only coping mechanisms that you should avoid telling other people about.
1. Summon the ghost of Karl Marx
Whether you’re attending a Monday morning Zoom lecture or a Friday afternoon Zoom meeting, life in 2021 can feel so isolating. To cope with chronic loneliness, summon the ghost of German philosopher Karl Marx. Though he might be shy at first, once you get to know each other, you’ll experience hours of lively debates over the relationship between the bourgeoisie and proletariat. Say goodbye to depression and hello to class consciousness.
2. Become a Cat
Escapism is one of the most common coping mechanisms and can be used to cope with any situation. My personal favorite method is becoming a cat. To do this, I recommend that you pick up the art of meowing and hissing at strangers, not paying taxes and sleeping 12-16 hours a day. Meow.
3. Communicate exclusively in made-up languages
Are you feeling fatigued? Mental exhaustion has been linked to excessive communication. Free your mind from the constraint of communication by exclusively speaking in gibberish. A BLYJENK IN DIKUTJI, am I right?
4. Make a deal with the Devil
Do you find yourself overwhelmed by midterms? Do you believe in a supreme evil spirit who spends their time between Earth and the Underworld? If so, simply make a deal with this fallen angel and all of your academic worries will go up in flames. Simply trade your soul for good grades and you’ll be riding that 4.0 GPA high for the rest of eternity.
5. Hide in a bathroom
While coping with a long shift at work, simply hide in the washroom until it’s over. If your boss or co-workers ever ask you where you were, answer honestly — they’ll become uncomfortable and change the topic. I recommend only doing this in 20 – 45 minute intervals.
This article is part of our humour section.