U of C to look into astral projection as alternative to online learning

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, May 14 2021—

After a year of online classes, the university had chosen to explore new methods of delivering courses other than Zoom. Even as vaccines are being distributed, there is still the possibility of online-delivered classes come September. To improve morale and avoid a mass exodus of students taking a “year off,” the university has funded a new department in their administration dedicated to retaining student enrolment by researching better methods of delivering courses to red-eyed students. This new department has uncovered an old gem which they say will solve at least one of these problems. According to them, after scouring deep through the “secret” collections at the TFDL, they stumbled on an old tome that holds an ancient, long forgotten practice. This new, yet very old, practice is astral projection.

For those unaware, astral projection is a practice where a person has a voluntary out-of-body experience. It can be achieved through years of intensive meditation to become aware of one’s soul or spirit and then separating oneself from their body to freely explore. To bypass the many years of intensive training, the administration has found a way to quickly age the students by forcibly making them watch a video of professors assigning a project at the start of the lecture and have it due at the end of lecture — of course, the project will be worth 30 per cent of their final mark. The speed-run method may come with some greying of hairs, but it will push a student’s soul out of their body momentarily and by the time they return, they will have come back with the knowledge of astral projection. The administration assures the test groups have been very successful. When using astral projection, students will be able to “attend” classes and engage in group activities from the comfort of their home while not breaking Alberta Health Services restrictions.

There are a few downsides to the implementation of astral projection. As a lost ancient practice, there is still much that we do not know about it. For starters, there is the issue of your soul floating freely in the astral plane away from your body, which if it is away for too long, your body will forget to breathe leaving the soul with no body to return to. Additionally, the soul is exposed to unknown forces which can either trap or harvest it. This could be commonplace with professors going over the predetermined class time, resulting in some students getting lost in the void. 

This issue can be avoided when using spiritual tethers like another person or a pet. The administration is trying to find other ways to keep your body and soul connected and protected for those who are unable to find an organic tether. This can also negatively impact a student’s faith as they will have to face their deity or deities of choice if things go awry, but those that are agnostic or atheist will have some answers at least.

The administration says they are confident that this will be the future method of delivering courses. The benefits outweigh the costs in their eyes as students will be able to return to campus even if incorporeal. There are also issues associated with being floating souls. Physical touch such as in opening and closing doors, conducting a lab, spinning the Zipper for good luck or having a friendly match of dodgeball won’t be possible through this method. Regardless of this drawback, there is much more to the experience of university. For example, students can traverse campus much faster by cutting through walls of buildings — they also won’t be tempted to buy their third sub at Bake Chef, no matter how delicious they can be and despite how broke they are. So be on the lookout for either in-person classes or the new astral projected classes this coming fall.

This article is part of our humour section.