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Illustration by Kristy Koehler

‘Catch your dinner, not COVID’ among rejected slogans for vaccine lottery

By Kristy Koehler, July 22 2021—

In an effort to bolster vaccination rates in the province, the Government of Alberta recently announced a new slate of prizes to be given away via vaccine lottery.

Up for grabs is a hunting prize the United Conservative Party (UCP) is calling a “highly-prized licence opportunity for species such as bighorn sheep, trophy pronghorn, elk, or turkey” as well as a lifetime fishing license, camping experiences and an annual pass to Kananaskis. 

Though the government eventually settled on the tagline “Enter for a shot to win an outdoor adventure,” sources tell me there was a heated debate about both the slogan and the prize offerings. 

“Catch your dinner, not COVID-19,” “Win that thing that was free until we took office,” and “We love guns” all ended up in the reject pile after hours of brainstorming. 

The decision was also made to abandon several prize ideas proffered by the United Conservative Party caucus. 

A dinner date for two in the Sky Palace was rejected after some members of caucus objected to the conditions put forward by Premier Jason Kenney. Originally, the terms and conditions of the date noted that the winning couple must be heterosexual and maintain six feet of social distancing at all times — for Jesus, not COVID-19.

Kenney agreed to scrap the prize too, after realizing that a chaperone for the date would be needed to prevent potential intercourse and would likely prove too costly.

Minister of Health Tyler Shandro suggested a special birthday song for prize winners. The “Shandro-gram” would be delivered directly to the winner’s driveway. Sources say the UCP’s legal team objected.

Other prizes not making the cut included a box of leis from caucus members’ Hawaiian vacations, some of Erin O’Toole’s climate coupons and a copy of Teaching Skills for Dummies signed by Adriana LaGrange.

Kenney reportedly also objected to a case of Jameson Irish Whiskey, not wanting the government to be seen as cheap. 

“It’s a nice Irish whiskey, but it’s not the finest,” said Kenney. 

A guided hunting trip with Minister of Parks Jason Nixon was also left off the prize list after concern from horse conservationists. 

This article is part of our humour section.

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