Disney buys Disney

By Rodrigo Verney, July 18 2022—

In a wild turn of events, Disney recently bought Disney after the CEO was “bored out of his mind.” The transaction was done through a “withdraw-deposit” method, a process in which Disney’s CEO withdraws money from his account and deposits it in a shell corporation. This method is very famous among trust fund baby (TFB) CEOs. When he was asked if the buy-in would be detrimental to the Disney brand, his answer was quite simple. 

“Oh come on. we’re Disney, we own your life,” he said as he proceeded to wipe his tears of joy with a $100 bill.

The Gauntlet was able to contact Disney’s CEO Michael Mouse to discuss this strange economical tactic. The Gauntlet team was fortunate enough to be flown to Mouse’s house in Washington D.C. The odd-looking CEO only agreed to the interview if we were allowed to do it in the “Throne Room” as he called it. After descending nine levels underground, I had a nice chat with Mouse. 

After being asked why would he buy his own company, Mouse answered that he felt like Disney had stagnated. Following the company’s controversial decision to acquire 20th Century Fox, Mouse felt like he had “peaked” which left him and investors without a sense of growth that the company could benefit from. 

Mouse then explained that the freedom he gained from the money he made started to lose its sense. After paying Lego’s CEO to walk barefoot on a trail of Legos for the fifth time, he realized that he could use the leftover money to purchase the sole company big enough to challenge Disney’s market monopoly: itself.

“It’s kinda like Oreos, they already made the perfect cookie on the first try. Nobody buys the other flavours. When was the last time you had a pizza-flavored Oreo? Exactly, you just buy the classic,” said Mouse regarding the company’s stagnation.

Although it might be understandable that sometimes ceasing to develop can be concerning, we had to wonder if this money couldn’t be better spent on making the world a place that’s closer to the one we see in their stories. This money could be donated to NGOs to aid their search for a better world. This way, the company that gave us hope all those years ago could become a role model for other companies and make this generation believe again.

Mouse unfortunately wasn’t paying attention. He said that after the word “donate” not being followed by “to Disney” he zoned out and waited for me to finish my rambling.

Mouse called ABC’s CEO to understand how the media would portray their unusual business decision, subsequently being warned that he would face the consequences of this buy-out. 

“Help us!” screamed ABC’s CEO. “He won’t stop making me green light awful reality shows and medical dramas! You have to free us!”

He was then dismissed by Mouse and told to “go approve the next Marvel movie.” However, the point was taken. Disney controls major news outlets and could influence the media to see his decision as good practice. 

He informed me that with four dollars, free tickets to Thor Love and Thunder and a half-priced subscription to Disney+, he was able to buy the Gauntlet. 

“It’s really cheap to deal with college students. They always need money,” said Mouse. He went on to talk about his vision for the future. “We’ll call it: The Infinity Gauntlet! I can already see the merchandise.” 

It became apparent to me that after the great chat I had with Mouse, that his ambitions were in the right place. Disney World continues to be the best place in the world. It’s so good to have a magical place where dreams come true and nothing bad has ever happened. The Infinity Gauntlet is excited to visit Disney World again and you should do it as well, with your whole family preferably.

This article is part of our humour section.