Calgary Sun makes quality picker-upper

By Andrew Kemle, September 18 2014 —

The Calgary Sun recently placed second in Macleans’ annual ranking of paper used to pick up dog shit, losing the coveted first place prize to bundles of Safeway coupons.

“Though we’re disappointed that the brand did not finish first this year, we are exceptionally proud of all the hard work our employees have put into making the Calgary Sun a recognized and sought after shit-container,” said a Quebecor executive.

Like many newspapers, circulation of the Calgary Sun has steadily dropped as readers flock to online publications. The influx of discarded copies has been valuable to the various dog walkers who would otherwise find themselves in an awkward situation.

“It’s not as strong as other bags or supermarket tabloids, but at least all the pictures give me something to look at,” said one suburban dog walker. “I can’t really read any of the articles anyways. I think they’re written in some incomprehensible angry southern dialect.”

Other brands listed in the ranking have taken issue with its criteria. Ikea, whose monthly catalogue placed seventeenth, argued that the vast supply of Calgary Sun newspapers skew the ranking .

“The Calgary Sun publishes every day of every week, while we only release a catalogue once a month,” stated an Ikea spokesperson. “The total amount of shit picked up by the Calgary Sun is obviously much greater, but that’s spread out over thousands of useless papers every day. People can get far more mileage out of our catalogue than you can get with a paper full of advertisements.”

The Calgary Sun reportedly intended to issue a response to the Ikea spokesperson. Instead, they recently discovered that Mayor Naheed Nenshi left a window open in his house and focused on a story accusing him of raising energy costs.