City to introduce negative minimum wage

By Andrew Kemle, October 2 2014 —

The Calgary Chamber of Commerce (CCC) threw its weight into the affordability and poverty debate this week by proposing a policy known as “negative minimum wage.”

The plan provides a blueprint for legislation that would remove a minimum of $10.20 from employees’ paycheques hourly, feeding directly into a universal pool for shareholders and upper management.

“This is the single most efficient wage system devised in modern history,” said a CCC spokesperson wearing a suit made entirely of $100 bills. “The main issue with trickle-down economics is that our companies are still expected to produce something. That costs money. But with a negative minimum wage, we’re under no obligation to produce anything at all, and yet we still make a profit. The savings for businesses will be extraordinary.”

The policy is in contrast to current wage laws, which the CCC described as “draconian socialism crafted by mean poopy-heads.”

“They say ‘the freer the market, the freer the people.’ Well this might just be the freest market you can possibly conceive,” said F.U. Sayek, a senior researcher with the Fraser Institute who helped draft the policy proposal. “You can most certainly have a free lunch if you just take from other people’s plates. Ultimately, this increased freedom will be best for everyone.”

Critics question how a negative income could help middle- and lower-class workers that are barely making ends meet as it is. However, the CCC says it’s is a simple matter of economics.

“With wages so low, the price of goods will drop substantially. This deflation will make goods more affordable, and thus increase general welfare without restricting business practices,” said the spokesperson. When a reporter asked if consumers would be able to afford anything without consistent income despite lower prices, or why prices even mattered, the CCC spokesperson lunged from the podium and bit the journalist in the neck. He is currently in stable condition.