Obnoxious uncle wrecks Christmas dinner

By Melanie Bethune, January 8, 2015 —

On Dec. 25, fourth-year economics student Thomas Breaker’s great uncle, Murphy Haliburton, shocked his family by smashing the world record for sensitive issues touched on in a single conversation.

The original record of 72 sensitive issues — previously set by Newtown, Florida, mayor Floyd McDonald at a local town hall — was obliterated when Haliburton managed to address over 113 sensitive topics in two hours at Christmas dinner.

“It was insane,” said a shell-shocked Breaker. “He was like a whirlwind of political argument. Gay rights. Lesbian rights. Trans rights. Women’s rights. Men’s rights. Animal rights. Animal activism. Political activism. Active activism. Passive activism. Nothing was untouched.”

Haliburton arrived at the Breaker family home, stepped into the doorway and exclaimed, “Let’s talk about Ferguson!”

“Right when we sat down to say grace before Christmas dinner, he asked everyone to first state their opinions on the Israel-Palestine conflict,” Breaker said. “Like it was some sort of test of our opinions. And no one passed.”

Over the course of the meal, Breaker recorded all 113 issues in a notepad in his lap.

“There might have been even more,” Breaker said. “Some of them were so quick I could barely catch that they were there. He probably grumbled about the ‘terrors of universal health care’ under his breath while he was chewing homestyle stuffing.”

Breaker said that it wouldn’t be so notable if Haliburton’s statements were educated and grounded on fact.

“Literally every opinion that came out of his mouth was as stale as a plate of three-week -old deviled eggs,” Breaker said. “Which he also brought with him.”

Haliburton repeatedly tried to convince various family members that 9/11 was a plot led by maniacal separatist third-wave feminists who were enacting revenge on Reagan.

“While we were serving pumpkin pie, he said ‘if you were aborted, you never would’ve had the chance to open up that lovely cheese grater your mother got you. Let’s talk about abortion,’ to me,” Breaker said. “That man is relentless.”

When asked for comment, Haliburton scoffed loudly.

“That’s some sort of record?,” he said. “I have so much more to say. You wanna talk about Benghazi? Let’s talk about Benghazi.”