Top-10 ways to prepare eggs

By Melanie Woods, March 5 2015 —

1. Scramble them with some cheese and bell peppers.

2. Get together with a group of vagabonds and throw them at a political leader’s home, streaking his beautiful paned windows with the slick yellow yoke of justice for students. Write your radical manifestos in the viscous liquid, knowing that democracy alone will not help you achieve your goals. Your vote may not count for anything, petitions may fail and protests may be answered with silence, but no one can ignore the sweet yet subtle message of an egged house.

3. Poach them, put them on a lightly toasted English muffin with some smoked salmon and pour hollandaise on top.

4. Lightly roll them down a grassy knoll and watch them plummet to the sidewalk far below. Reflect on human nature. Why are we here? Are we not all just eggs rolling down the soft grassy knoll of life, plummeting towards an inevitable collapse by the shear force of gravity? Aren’t we all that fragile? At risk of breaking apart at the slightest bump in the path, the slightest twig? Or are we the eggs’ innards, the partially formed baby chicks never afforded life due to the cruel corruption of a greater power than ourselves? Is our potential stunted by influences beyond our control? Do we really matter? Does life itself really matter?

5. Sunny-side up with a dash of salt and pepper.

6. Cradle them deeply to your bosom while the sweet sounds of Outkast’s “Hey Ya” play in the background. Gently stroke their shells and whisper your hopes and dreams. At least they will listen. They may not hear, but they will listen.

7. Boil and cut the eggs in half, then mix the yolk with some mayo, light mustard and a little bit of paprika.

8. Draw the faces of popular celebrities on the eggs. They are now your crew. They will provide you all of the support and backup you need as you deal with the fuckboys. Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t take anybody’s shit.

9. Fry them until the yolk is a semi-liquid consistency before folding the eggs over and making a breakfast sandwich.

10. Realize you can never truly prepare eggs. They will never be ready for what is to come. No one will be. You may pray to your pitiful gods for aid, but they will forsake you.