Science B bake sales sling dope goods

By Fabian Mayer, March 12 2015 —

A Gauntlet investigation has revealed that the majority of the bake sales held in Science B have been selling goods that contain marijuana and other mind-altering drugs.

Eating cakes or brownies made with marijuana can produce the same effects as smoking the drug. Gauntlet staff volunteered to test the pastries. They concluded that around half of all baked goods sold contained drugs ranging from marijuana to crystal meth. On an unrelated note, we apologize for there being no issue of the Gauntlet last week.

University of Calgary administration will not implement any formal disciplinary measures, but bake sales are banned until further notice. Campus Security director Burt Killjoy said he wasn’t surprised and that there were signs the clubs were selling more than plain pastries.

“In hindsight, I guess there were some clues. Some items often cost $6–7 more than other treats. Faculty also overheard students referring to the events as ‘baked sales,’ but we attributed that to students’ poor grasp of English,” Killjoy said. “And then there were the vanilla cupcakes labelled in all caps as ‘SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME MAGIC CAKES.’ Those turned out to be 50 per cent magic mushrooms.”

The scandal came to light when fourth-year engineering student Henry Cartwright was found staring out the skylight in Science Theatres mumbling about all the beauty in the world.

“I was shocked. I usually buy the most expensive items to support the clubs. I had no idea I was eating space cakes,” Cartwright said.

He then began stroking the cement wall beside him and murmuring about the nature of the human soul.

Cartwright, usually a straight-A student, said the brownies explained some changes he’d experienced over the past year.

“I found it a little harder to focus in my classes. I would often sit at the back and watch cat videos while giggling to myself. My grades have gone downhill as well, but I’ve been strangely okay with it,” Cartwright said. “It’s all chill.”

Jackie McCrae represents one of the clubs who sold space cakes to raise money for their organization. She defends the move to sell more than just traditional baked goods.

“You gotta adapt to a changing marketplace. The kids want drugs, we give them drugs,” McCrae said. “Really, we’re providing a service that is safer and more convenient than your run-of-the-mill drug dealer. We also tripled our fundraising after introducing the new products. My LSD banana bread is pretty gosh-darn delicious, if I do say so myself.”

McCrae maintained the clubs thought everybody knew about the extra ingredients and they were tolerated so long as normal cookies and cakes were also sold.

“I thought it was pretty obvious. The fact that there are bake sales held there every single day is a bit of a giveaway. Do people really think that every single club on campus wants to have a traditional bake sale? Nobody is going to buy boring old brownies five days a week,” McCrae said. “But weed brownies? They’re selling like hotcakes. Or should I say, ‘pot cakes.’”

The future of campus bake sales is in jeopardy. A petition to bring the bake sales back has been signed by over 60 per cent of students and over 90 per cent of faculty.