First-year roommates already locked in inevitable passive-aggressive spiral

By Melanie Woods, September 10 2015 —

Less than two weeks after moving into their room in Kananaskis Hall, first-year roommates Kelsey Cunningham and Lauren Potter have already entered a passive-aggressive battle of wills.
Cunningham said it all started when she noticed how Potter would leave her coat on the hook on the opposite side of the room.

“I don’t really have anywhere to hang my coat if she does that,” Cunningham said. “Of course I don’t mind, but I wish she’d ask first.”
Cunningham is currently debating her next move.

“I won’t say anything,” she said. “That would be rude. Maybe I’ll put, like, a friendly pink sticky note reminding her about the sides of the room on the door or something.”

The tension, however, is not one-sided.

According to our sources, Cunningham was listening to the latest Miley Cyrus album and painting her nails when Potter loudly said from her desk, “Wow, everyone was right when they said it’s hard to study when you live in residence.”

Potter said she thought it was reasonable to expect a quiet workspace.

“I was obviously trying to do work,” Potter said. “And she should respect that.”

When Cunningham and Potter met in their third-floor residence room on August 30, they immediately announced they would be the best of friends.

“We have so much in common,” Cunningham said. “She has a dog, I have a dog. Her parents just went to Maui, mine went to Kaui four years ago — it’s like we’re destined to be together or something.”

The two now greet each other with smiles, but every word between them is hollow and tinged with the underlying anger of suppressed rage.

“She never uses headphones, which makes me want to puncture my own eardrums with a highlighter,” Potter said. “But I’d never actually say anything about it.”

Cunningham also denies any need for action.

“She’ll get my message eventually,” Cunningham said of the coat hook situation. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious.”

Both roommates have reportedly been urged by their close friends to confront one another.

“My best friend keep telling me to talk to her about the coat hook,” Cunningham said. “But it’s not that big of a deal, even though it does haunt my dreams and keep me up at night. Subtle messages are obviously way more productive than actually saying anything to her.”

The tension is also causing strain on Potter’s relationship.

“My boyfriend came over and asked why I was sitting in silence and staring at her with a frown on my face while she played her music,” Potter said. “I told him that I was trying to make a statement.”

When asked about the state of their living situation as a whole, both Cunningham and Potter had no official complaints.

“Everything’s great,” Cunningham said. “I guess, I wish I had somewhere to hang my coat that’s on my own side of the room, but besides that, everything’s great.”

“I’m just really learning to love present-day Miley Cyrus,” Potter said through gritted teeth.